SULS floats shares; takes over planet Earth

Reports Honi Soit's resident big mouth Hoe Jildebrand

A recent move to corporatise the University has gained more support since the United States Studies Centre (USSC) — the legally registered name of the Australian nuclear subsidiary of Raytheon, a US defense contractor — became the first University body to openly embrace its corporate agenda. The USSC made headlines only a week ago by declaring itself as a war-profiteering entity with no vested interests in the field of academia.

USSC President Dick Heaney confirmed the organisation’s long-standing hostility towards higher learning in a press conference last Tuesday, asserting that the USSC was not “in the business of arming those dumb proles with mind-bayonets and brain-Molotov cocktails”. When invited by Honi to elaborate on his comments, Heaney let out a putrid, ear-splitting belch before nodding in self-satisfaction.

The Institute Building housing the USSC will also be torn down in a matter of days to make way for a small-scale military compound based on Area 51, before it was converted into Luna Park, a moon-themed amusement park.

However, the USSC is not alone in wearing its corporate badge with pride. The latest member to join the corporate club, much to the surprise of absolutely everyone in the University community, is the illustrious Sydney University Law Society (SULS). The society has long enjoyed its status as a charitable tax break for top-tier law firm Herbert Smith Freehills. That is, until 2039, the year Freehills senior partners were found to be collaborating with a disgraced NASDAQ Chairman — who continued committing white collar crimes from the luxury of his cryogenic freezing station, thankfully invented in 2021 —  in operating an international Ponzi scheme. During a much publicised trial, the convicted partners referenced their experience as University of Sydney Union Board Directors and SULS portfolio bearers when questioned about the alarming efficiency and ruthlessness of their financial fraud.

SULS took Freehills’ fall from grace as an opportunity to strike out on its own. Five years after evolving into a privately owned company, what was previously the most affluent University society in the known universe took a giant leap of faith this morning by making an initial public offer of $1.5 million a share on the ASX. Reports flooding Twitter that, due to an unexpected champagne deficit in France, approximately half the nation’s population was not grossly intoxicated for at least 8 minutes earlier today, remain unsubstantiated.

The "stock market".

The “stock market”.

When approached for comment about this bold, new business strategy, SULS President Quentin Winehouse slurred incomprehensibly into the phone, whilst occasionally hiccoughing.

It is estimated that as a publicly traded company, SULS will accelerate the poverty gap by 58% per annum and be able to successfully buy out Google within three months.

Honi Soit
Honi Soit is the largest and oldest weekly student newspaper in Australia. Our articles, like this one, are made possible by our dedicated student reporters and contributors.
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