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Sydney Law School Dean offers students chance to re-sit exam if they “get on their knees and beg”

Sydney Law School Dean offers students chance to re-sit exam if they “get on their knees and beg”

Students to get a second chance on Corporations Law – on one condition.

Breaking news: Tony Abbott resigns as PM

Breaking news: Tony Abbott resigns as PM

Abbott decides he’s better in Opposition, after all

EXCLUSIVE: Tom Raue leaks … himself

EXCLUSIVE: Tom Raue leaks … himself

What will happen next?

No more SSAFering

No more SSAFering

“Abolition of SSAF didn’t cripple the independence of student organisations,” says USU and SUPRA President Michael Spence

Tony Abbott: welfare cheat!

Tony Abbott: welfare cheat!

How does our PM have the nerve to get away with it?

Scientology to be added to DSM-6

Scientology to be added to DSM-6

A new mental disorder on the books.

United States Studies Centres closes after China wins

United States Studies Centres closes after China wins

The University of Sydney’s United States Studies Centre will close its doors next Friday, never to reopen.

THE FITZ FILES

THE FITZ FILES

Peter ‘Fitzy’ Fitzsimons on rugby, the youth of today, and his candidature in the USYD Senate elections

Scott Morrison’s marriage on the rocks

Scott Morrison’s marriage on the rocks

Scott Morrison is fighting another battle at home

Incoming SULS executive orders immediate intervention in Syria

Incoming SULS executive orders immediate intervention in Syria

The newly elected SULS executive team has announced its first foreign policy move since winning election

The Soin Exclusive: Ballpit of Death

The Soin Exclusive: Ballpit of Death

Tragedy struck last Thursday when Stuart Johnson, a first year Commerce student, was killed in the ball pit erected on the Front Lawns for the 2013 Verge Festival.

Bill Shorten Begins Counting Numbers Against Bill Shorten

Bill Shorten Begins Counting Numbers Against Bill Shorten

Labor leader and numbers man Bill Shorten is reportedly telling nervous MPs this week that the party should dump Bill Shorten from the top job, lest the federal Labor Party face a crushing defeat on election day, the likes of which they haven’t seen in weeks.

UOW retracts offers, students relieved

UOW retracts offers, students relieved

Year 12 students across the state were relieved after receiving letters retracting their offers to the UOW, sources told The Soin.

Agony Aunt: “Should I do law?”, “I’m doing a degree with my son.”

Agony Aunt: “Should I do law?”, “I’m doing a degree with my son.”

Bill Posters finally prosecuted

Bill Posters finally prosecuted

After a decades-long search, the writing’s finally on the wall for infamous fugitive Bill Posters, who faced trial earlier this week at a Sydney local court. Posters originally denied all charges but was nailed to the wall by an extensive paper trail. “The Crown Prosecutor just cut him to shreds” reported one court observer, “Bill […]

Parliamentarians to undergo compulsory ethics training in Canary Islands

Parliamentarians to undergo compulsory ethics training in Canary Islands

In an effort to stamp out widespread abuse of taxpayer funds, the Parliamentary Standards Committee is requiring all MPs and Senators to attend a conference on the ethical declaration of personal expenses. The conference will be held in Canberra in November, with all attendees flying via the Canary Islands and staying there for over a […]

Putin nominated for Nobel Peace Prize, Oxford Dictionary redefines ‘peace’

Putin nominated for Nobel Peace Prize, Oxford Dictionary redefines ‘peace’

Vladimir Putin’s nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize has forced the Oxford Dictionary to radically reconsider the meaning of the word.

Wealthy Nigerian prince seeks volunteers to process funding for charity; is rebuffed

Wealthy Nigerian prince seeks volunteers to process funding for charity; is rebuffed

Prince Adeyemi Oniru, second-in-line for the role of King of Nigeria, has encountered several obstacles in his plan for helping Australian children have a better education

Six years of French lessons pay off as student says semi-intelligible sentence

Six years of French lessons pay off as student says semi-intelligible sentence

Teacher left in shock this week upon hearing one of her tenth grade French students utter an almost complete sentence in unbroken French

Lady Gaga praised for edgy and groundbreaking triple murder

Lady Gaga praised for edgy and groundbreaking triple murder

GRIEVING FAMILIES FAIL TO SEE ARTISTIC BRILLIANCE OF PIECE, STILL WAITING FOR ANSWERS

SOIN EXCLUSIVE: See ya, bitches!

SOIN EXCLUSIVE: See ya, bitches!

Abbott Plans to Reduce Population of Women to Make His Cabinet More Representative

James Packer to build big silver penis on Sydney Harbour

James Packer to build big silver penis on Sydney Harbour

The Soin exclusively reveals the real reason behind James Packer and Erica Baxter’s divorce.

Abbott’s understanding of Syrias crisis ‘bad’

Abbott’s understanding of Syrias crisis ‘bad’

Tony Abbott elaborates on his “baddies versus baddies” analysis.

TOP SECRET Military Report

TOP SECRET Military Report

Military Report: For the consideration of Special Forces Agent Benjamin L Willard regarding the rogue activities of Kevin Rudd since the 2013 Federal Election Arrangements are being made for your transportation up the Murray Darling River by Naval boat on the 26/09/2013 in order for the immediate investigation and arrest of Kevin Rudd, recent ex-prime […]

Coalition accuses Ketut of being an illegal boat person

Coalition accuses Ketut of being an illegal boat person

Last night’s leader’s debate saw the leader of the opposition, Tony Abbott, come out swinging at Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, shocking constituents by claiming to have unearthed irrefutable and undeniable evidence to suggest that Australia’s favourite safe driver, Ketut (last name unknown) is an illegal boat person who has followed Rhonda to Australia from an […]

Amnesty letter writing fails: engages new strategy of heavy breathing down the phone

Amnesty letter writing fails: engages new strategy of heavy breathing down the phone

In the torrid love affair between the Human Rights group and the Immigration Minister Tony Burke, Amnesty has taken another step in the direction of desperation and has begun sighing erotically down the phone line late at night.

2013 Election Preferences Controversy

2013 Election Preferences Controversy

The Liberal National Party have accidentally signed a preference deal with Big Brother contestant Caleb Geppert.

Rudd: Stop the Cars

Rudd: Stop the Cars

Internal polling conducted by the ALP has found that voters in marginal seats are more likely to vote for Labor following Kevin Rudd’s controversial policy announcement about the processing and resettlement of asylum seekers. Buoyed by such polling, Mr Rudd called a press conference yesterday afternoon to outline his plans to reform Australian hospitals and […]

Assange runs for Australian cricket team in attempt to fast track migration back to Australia

Assange runs for Australian cricket team in attempt to fast track migration back to Australia

Digital freedom fighter and aspiring bond villain Julian Assange has reportedly taken the unconventional route this week of joining the Australian national cricket team in order to expedite his migration back to Australia, seeking to take advantage of laws that place elite athletes above doctors, teachers and peace prize laureates in the Australian migratory process.

American faith in democracy boosted at news that ex-president’s wife is a shoo-in for presidency

American faith in democracy boosted at news that ex-president’s wife is a shoo-in for presidency

Clinton is running, hoorah!

Exclusive: Rudd can’t actually speak Mandarin, just racistly imitating the Chinese this entire time

Exclusive: Rudd can’t actually speak Mandarin, just racistly imitating the Chinese this entire time

Kevin Rudd revealed as pretty racist, actually

“I’m not Mark, guys”: Damon denies that he’s Mark Wahlberg!

“I’m not Mark, guys”: Damon denies that he’s Mark Wahlberg!

SOIN EXCLUSIVE: Matt Damon denies that he’s Mark Wahlberg!

Inuits pegged for gold at next Olympics after large swimming pool forms at North Pole

Inuits pegged for gold at next Olympics after large swimming pool forms at North Pole

In an amazing turn of events that has stunned the sporting world and left many scratching their heads, this week it was announced that Greenland’s swimming team at the next Summer Olympics would be made up entirely of Eskimos, following the formation of a large swimming pool where the North Pole used to be. The […]

USU decides to incorporate identity politics into operations

USU decides to incorporate identity politics into operations

The USU has hired a professional political correctness consultant in the aftermath of the (trigger warning: DEATH) “Day of the Dead” party scandal. According to Union sources, the consultant will be conducting a wide-scale review of the campus and its alignment with rampant and undiscerning political correctness. It’s expected that the consultant will rename several […]

Strike coverage: local man finally bowls a turkey

Strike coverage: local man finally bowls a turkey

A Strathfield man was yesterday celebrating his first ever turkey in a game of tenpin bowling. Garth Funkel, 23, achieved the feat at the North Strathfield AMF Bowling facility, mildly impressing co-workers forced by upper management to endure the so-called bonding exercise. A turkey is the term given to three strikes in a row in […]

Pope announces do whatever the fuck you want God doesn’t even exist

Pope announces do whatever the fuck you want God doesn’t even exist

Following a string of unprecedented announcements over previous months by the newly instated Pope, from embracing gays within the Church to implying people of other faiths can still find their way into heaven, Pope Francis stunned the world this week with his frank admission that it really doesn’t matter what you do, because we’re all just spacedust sitting on a rock hurtling through an otherwise barren universe, and for all we know there might not even be a God.

Papua New Guinea’s new tourism campaign!

Papua New Guinea’s new tourism campaign!

Spend summer in sunny Papua New Guinea!

David Cameron’s Error 505

David Cameron’s Error 505

In a shock announcement following the implementation of mandatory filters on internet pornography in the UK, David Cameron has moved to ban the sale of Kleenex tissues and Vaseline to males under the age of 18.

Down-to-earth tutor just wants to get to know you guys

Down-to-earth tutor just wants to get to know you guys

Relaxed economics tutor Danny Palmer informed students yesterday that his first lesson would be exclusively dedicated to really getting a feel for one another.

Media junket eagerly awaits naming of royal afterbirth

Media junket eagerly awaits naming of royal afterbirth

The media circus surrounding the naming of the royal baby is set to continue even though William and Kate have already named the actual baby George, the naming of the afterbirth is still shrouded in mystery.

Clive Palmer collides with iceberg, sinking

Clive Palmer collides with iceberg, sinking

Eccentric billionaire Clive Palmer has collided with an iceberg and is rapidly taking in water.

Melissa Doyle not only replaced in Sunrise family, but in real family too

After being dumped from Channel 7’s morning program Sunrise, Mel Doyle has now been dumped by her children in favour of a younger, hotter Mum

Sydney Law School closes its doors, cites “too many laws to teach”

Sydney Law School closes its doors, cites “too many laws to teach”

Just four years after its reopening, Sydney Law School is no more.

BDS motion at SRC

BDS motion at SRC

A number of different opinions are set to be expressed on the use of the Boycott, Divestments, and Sanctions Motion (BDSM) to address the Israel and Palestine conflict.

Calm down, climate change isn’t happening

Calm down, climate change isn’t happening

Despite not having given any thought to the dangers of global warming since at least 2004, the public of the world was elated this week to hear the news that their combined apathy has resulted in a slight slowdown in the overall rise of global temperatures over the last ten years.

Press release: save petitions

Press release: save petitions

You may have heard that we are facing some difficult times. Despite numerous petitions, photo petitions, Facebook petitions, and memes for people to like and share, we have become increasingly irrelevant in Australian political discourse.

Eurovision: fucking spectacular

Eurovision: fucking spectacular

Eurovision was as crazy and spectacular this year as it always is. Even Sky Whale made an appearance.

187: West Coast rhinos get got in sub-Saharan gangland beef

187: West Coast rhinos get got in sub-Saharan gangland beef

International Union for Conservation of Nature has announced that Africa’s western, or ‘West Coast’, black rhino is officially extinct.

Luhrmann continues being darling of multicultural postmodern Australia

Luhrmann continues being darling of multicultural postmodern Australia

Luhrmann adapts Qu’ran into glitz-and-glamour 21st century film.

Bob Katter: world unoccupied until advent of Aussies

Bob Katter: world unoccupied until advent of Aussies

Bob Katter has declared that the world was unoccupied until the advent of Australian society.

Exclusive update on Iron Throne elections

Exclusive update on Iron Throne elections

The Soin brings you exclusive updates on Iron Throne elections.

Press release: USSC merges with Hell

Press release: USSC merges with Hell

The USSC finalises plans for merger with Hell.

Right to bare arms

Right to bare arms

Historians have uncovered a typographical error in the United States Constitution that entitles all Americans citizens to a free wax.

Potter fantasy becomes dark arts nightmare

Potter fantasy becomes dark arts nightmare

The magical world of Harry Potter becomes a nightmare due to the SU Quidditch Society breaking inviolable rules.

Press Release: Menzies House Merges With Stormfront.org – Tim Andrews

Press Release: Menzies House Merges With Stormfront.org – Tim Andrews

Dear Soin readers, We are pleased to announce our merger with long-term partner Stormfront.org. Despite working together in the past on issues including white separatism, anti-rationalism, and Islamophobia, this is the first time the two organisations have worked together on financial matters such as server space and our fund for a white autonomous community. The […]

ALP wins papal election

ALP wins papal election

ALP wins papal election following spill.

Conroy / Murdoch joins them

Conroy / Murdoch joins them

Stephen Conroy unmasked as Rupert Murdoch by vigilante adolescent group.

Pulitzer recognises the poor quality of Australian media, mX

Pulitzer recognises the poor quality of Australian media, mX

mX frontrunner for mediocre Australian news awards.

Sex advice from… Jesus Christ

Sex advice from… Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ gets nailed.

SOINRISE: Aussie bloke father a hero for destroying misbehaving young ladies, says Kochie

SOINRISE: Aussie bloke father a hero for destroying misbehaving young ladies, says Kochie

Transcript from the latest episode of Soinrise: how to fight the growing trend of misbehaving sluts.

Opinion: Christmas over at the island

Opinion: Christmas over at the island

We have always been an open and welcoming people, but like many countries around the world, we are now paying the price for our openhearted hospitality as mostly Muslim immigrants flood our shores and transform Australian communities into Arabian sultanates. This has led to an alarming new trend known as “white flight” and figures just […]

Comedians see no light at end of nuclear tunnel

Comedians see no light at end of nuclear tunnel

Sydney University comedians have failed to make light of the impending nuclear apocalypse. Although North Korea has historically been the punchline of many jokes, SU comedians have decided that the potential millions of deaths is too grave for humour. “How can one make a joke about the possible annihilation of Japan and South Korea?” comedian […]

USU party rebrand; still colossal failure

USU party rebrand; still colossal failure

A University of Sydney Union (USU) spokesman has defended claims that the re-branding of annual Manning party Beachball as a ‘thrift shop party’ is more than just a belated attempt to capture campus zeitgeist. Sporting a decidedly unprofessional leopard mink and garish green alligator shoes, USU CEO Andrew Wayward downplayed suggestions that the name change […]

2013 Federal election special: Tony Abbott etc.

2013 Federal election special: Tony Abbott etc.

Tony Abbott has cut short his tour of Sydney’s western suburbs to campaign for an immediate election in Victoria following the resignation of Liberal Premier Ted Bailieu. “It’s a matter of principle,” Abbott told The Soin, “this is now an illegitimate government.” “In politics, you have to be true to your convictions. You can’t apply […]

Militant winter sports group removed from SUSF

Militant winter sports group removed from SUSF

Sydney University Sports & Fitness club SubSki has been disaffiliated after university management discovered covert radical left-wing plots by the executive of the group. SubSki was formerly known for its skiing, drinking, and nudity. A spokesperson for SUSF noted that the group’s manifesto, which begins with “a call for the revolutionary redistribution of the means […]

Abbott victim of dog whistle politics

Abbott victim of dog whistle politics

Today, opposition Leader Tony Abbott has become the latest victim of dog whistle politics after he was brutally mauled in a dog attack. A spokesman for Abbott claims that a mob of dogs set upon the politician as he left a press conference yesterday. “They were mostly minature poodles, shitzus and pugs, but they were […]

Greens split from Labor, still fuckbuddies

Greens Leader Christine Milne announced this week the Greens party would be splitting from their long-standing alliance with the Australian Labor Party, but would essentially still remain fuck buddies. The Greens, who have opposed Labor’s handling of several major issues including the recent mining tax mishandling, say they will still support Labor against votes of […]

Poll: “polls”, polls

Today’s Soin poll on the latest preferred Prime Minister Newspoll poll shows that the public’s support for polls is dropping, in the wake of a spate of insipid, unconstructive and entirely irrelevant polls. Results of today’s poll show that voter satisfaction with constantly being polled and then incessantly informed of the results of polls is […]

Honi’s predictions for 2013

Honi’s predictions for 2013

The Occupy movement will continue to die down around the world, except perhaps, in the West Bank. Happy ending: Craig Thomson will put the HSU saga to bed by accepting golden handjob. The entire Essendon team will come forward and blame Shane Warne’s mum for doping. USYD smoking areas will now also contain pokies and […]