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Sydney Law School Dean offers students chance to re-sit exam if they “get on their knees and beg”

Sydney Law School Dean offers students chance to re-sit exam if they “get on their knees and beg”

Students to get a second chance on Corporations Law – on one condition.

Breaking news: Tony Abbott resigns as PM

Breaking news: Tony Abbott resigns as PM

Abbott decides he’s better in Opposition, after all

Girl takes hours ordering coffee, everyone cool with it

Girl takes hours ordering coffee, everyone cool with it

The Soin has confirmed that Kaitlin Barr’s lengthy six hundred and forty minutes and twenty-seven seconds coffee order at Taste Baguette was met with patience and tranquility from the sixteen people in line behind her. Barr ordered a “latte … umm … no, maybe a cappuccino … long black – what is that even? People […]

Review: USU Public Execution

Review: USU Public Execution

The USU once again proves it is the go-to destination for music, drinks, and public executions.

Bitches Brood

Bitches Brood

United States President, opera composer and rapper Kanye West is a father again! After using the latest development in geriatric fertilisation, his girlfriend Kris Jenner gave birth to bubba Nor Nor on the floor of the United States Capitol’s Rotunda, which our readers will recall President West converted into his private quarters in his first […]

Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes

FIND OUT WHAT YOUR DAY WILL BE LIKE!!!!

Blood on his hands

Blood on his hands

Man kills mosquito with blood in it

EXCLUSIVE: Tom Raue leaks … himself

EXCLUSIVE: Tom Raue leaks … himself

What will happen next?

R.I.P. The Soin 2013-2013: FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE

R.I.P. The Soin 2013-2013: FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE

Newspaper folds after uncharacteristic status reveals Facebook hacking

Letters from the archives

Letters from the archives

Dear Honi, As you can see from the page hits, last week I only read your articles on porn and naked people and drugs. Please stop publishing such smut. Ashamed and aroused, Tabitha Hollinghorn Science II — Dear Honi, I was disappointed by your biased coverage of the recent incident where police broke the leg […]

Mature age rep revived as cyborg

Mature age rep revived as cyborg

Reports Honi Soit’s resident big mouth Hoe Jildebrand

SULS floats shares; takes over planet Earth

SULS floats shares; takes over planet Earth

Reports Honi Soit’s resident big mouth Hoe Jildebrand

Multiculturalism a success now that everyone is racist

Multiculturalism a success now that everyone is racist

Honi Soit is proud to report that multiculturalism has been declared an undeniable national success in the wake of consecutive waves of immigrants self-identifying as “racist”. The United Nations issued a statement today congratulating the Australian government for its efforts in effectively eradicating systemic racial prejudice. In fact, the recent federal election saw poster boy […]

StarGate: O-Week 2044

StarGate: O-Week 2044

All the goss from here, to the centre of the earth, where there is no light

A history of Honi in the 21st century

A history of Honi in the 21st century

Check out what happened in the last 44 years of Honi!

Fish People Invade!

Fish People Invade!

“Be with the people you love,” says U.N.

Arts faculty approves 30-year-old honours application

Arts faculty approves 30-year-old honours application

Nicholas Upington reports on the efficiency of one of the largest faculties on campus

No more SSAFering

No more SSAFering

“Abolition of SSAF didn’t cripple the independence of student organisations,” says USU and SUPRA President Michael Spence

SRC Reports 2044

SRC Reports 2044

If our wriiting doesn’t convince you that education is underfunded, nothing will!

GLAMOUR + DECAY = BAZ

GLAMOUR + DECAY = BAZ

Ingrid Umbria thinks ‘Decay’ is de gray-test

2044 USYD campus map

Tony Abbott: welfare cheat!

Tony Abbott: welfare cheat!

How does our PM have the nerve to get away with it?

Scientology to be added to DSM-6

Scientology to be added to DSM-6

A new mental disorder on the books.

United States Studies Centres closes after China wins

United States Studies Centres closes after China wins

The University of Sydney’s United States Studies Centre will close its doors next Friday, never to reopen.

THE FITZ FILES

THE FITZ FILES

Peter ‘Fitzy’ Fitzsimons on rugby, the youth of today, and his candidature in the USYD Senate elections

Scott Morrison’s marriage on the rocks

Scott Morrison’s marriage on the rocks

Scott Morrison is fighting another battle at home

Fast and Furious 42: Going Places

Fast and Furious 42: Going Places

Rafael Lee likes it quick and dirty

Rockin’ Dubstep Fusion Platinum Deluxe Greatest Hits or 500 Licks by The Rolling Stones (Universal Music)

Rockin’ Dubstep Fusion Platinum Deluxe Greatest Hits or 500 Licks by The Rolling Stones (Universal Music)

Michelle Pedro knows the old saying “rolling stones gather no moths”

Incoming SULS executive orders immediate intervention in Syria

Incoming SULS executive orders immediate intervention in Syria

The newly elected SULS executive team has announced its first foreign policy move since winning election

Unigate Presents…The 2013 Awards for Sydney University Excellence

Unigate Presents…The 2013 Awards for Sydney University Excellence

Honi Soit awards the best and worst of 2013 – something for the whole family!

The Soin Exclusive: Ballpit of Death

The Soin Exclusive: Ballpit of Death

Tragedy struck last Thursday when Stuart Johnson, a first year Commerce student, was killed in the ball pit erected on the Front Lawns for the 2013 Verge Festival.

Bill Shorten Begins Counting Numbers Against Bill Shorten

Bill Shorten Begins Counting Numbers Against Bill Shorten

Labor leader and numbers man Bill Shorten is reportedly telling nervous MPs this week that the party should dump Bill Shorten from the top job, lest the federal Labor Party face a crushing defeat on election day, the likes of which they haven’t seen in weeks.

UOW retracts offers, students relieved

UOW retracts offers, students relieved

Year 12 students across the state were relieved after receiving letters retracting their offers to the UOW, sources told The Soin.

Top 5 Walking Dead characters who need to die

Top 5 Walking Dead characters who need to die

Shannen Potter gives you her hit list

Punched in the vagina: top 5 hospitality experiences

Punched in the vagina: top 5 hospitality experiences

Lucy Hughes Jones discusses the industry that so many students must work in to pay the rent

Agony Aunt: “Should I do law?”, “I’m doing a degree with my son.”

Agony Aunt: “Should I do law?”, “I’m doing a degree with my son.”

Bill Posters finally prosecuted

Bill Posters finally prosecuted

After a decades-long search, the writing’s finally on the wall for infamous fugitive Bill Posters, who faced trial earlier this week at a Sydney local court. Posters originally denied all charges but was nailed to the wall by an extensive paper trail. “The Crown Prosecutor just cut him to shreds” reported one court observer, “Bill […]

Parliamentarians to undergo compulsory ethics training in Canary Islands

Parliamentarians to undergo compulsory ethics training in Canary Islands

In an effort to stamp out widespread abuse of taxpayer funds, the Parliamentary Standards Committee is requiring all MPs and Senators to attend a conference on the ethical declaration of personal expenses. The conference will be held in Canberra in November, with all attendees flying via the Canary Islands and staying there for over a […]

Boy and Bear concert cancelled after bear mauls boy

Boy and Bear concert cancelled after bear mauls boy

Fans of Australian indie group Boy and Bear were left devastated this week after the band’s management were forced to announce the cancellation of the group’s latest national tour. Sources have indicated the move was taken in response to an incident at this year’s Falls Festival where a young boy’s spleen was reported missing following […]

US Government shutdown continues to fuck everything

US Government shutdown continues to fuck everything

Tensions have risen dramatically after the recent U.S. Federal Government shutdown that has left thousands of government workers furloughed and many public services unfunded.

Putin nominated for Nobel Peace Prize, Oxford Dictionary redefines ‘peace’

Putin nominated for Nobel Peace Prize, Oxford Dictionary redefines ‘peace’

Vladimir Putin’s nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize has forced the Oxford Dictionary to radically reconsider the meaning of the word.

Wealthy Nigerian prince seeks volunteers to process funding for charity; is rebuffed

Wealthy Nigerian prince seeks volunteers to process funding for charity; is rebuffed

Prince Adeyemi Oniru, second-in-line for the role of King of Nigeria, has encountered several obstacles in his plan for helping Australian children have a better education

Six years of French lessons pay off as student says semi-intelligible sentence

Six years of French lessons pay off as student says semi-intelligible sentence

Teacher left in shock this week upon hearing one of her tenth grade French students utter an almost complete sentence in unbroken French

Elderly Caucasian males march in annual Old White Men Walk

Elderly Caucasian males march in annual Old White Men Walk

On Saturday morning hundreds of old white men in Christmas sweaters and high-waisted trousers took to the streets of Sydney’s CBD to protest in the annual Old White Men Walk. The event, in its third year, was originally sparked by comments from a Vancouver police officer who suggested that old white men try to disguise […]

Lady Gaga praised for edgy and groundbreaking triple murder

Lady Gaga praised for edgy and groundbreaking triple murder

GRIEVING FAMILIES FAIL TO SEE ARTISTIC BRILLIANCE OF PIECE, STILL WAITING FOR ANSWERS

Top Five worst bus experiences, by route

Top Five worst bus experiences, by route

Max Schintler’s list

SOIN EXCLUSIVE: See ya, bitches!

SOIN EXCLUSIVE: See ya, bitches!

Abbott Plans to Reduce Population of Women to Make His Cabinet More Representative

James Packer to build big silver penis on Sydney Harbour

James Packer to build big silver penis on Sydney Harbour

The Soin exclusively reveals the real reason behind James Packer and Erica Baxter’s divorce.

Abbott’s understanding of Syrias crisis ‘bad’

Abbott’s understanding of Syrias crisis ‘bad’

Tony Abbott elaborates on his “baddies versus baddies” analysis.

TOP SECRET Military Report

TOP SECRET Military Report

Military Report: For the consideration of Special Forces Agent Benjamin L Willard regarding the rogue activities of Kevin Rudd since the 2013 Federal Election Arrangements are being made for your transportation up the Murray Darling River by Naval boat on the 26/09/2013 in order for the immediate investigation and arrest of Kevin Rudd, recent ex-prime […]

Obama inspires millions with indecisiveness

Obama inspires millions with indecisiveness

President Obama inspired millions this week on the eve of the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s march on Washington, delivering a historic and momentous speech to the thousands who had gathered at the Lincoln Memorial. Amidst increasingly bloody turmoil abroad, and a continuing slow economic recovery domestically, the President took the opportunity to thank […]

More fucking election news + Harry Potter

More fucking election news + Harry Potter

Harry Potter fans have been spotted camping outside parliament house for eight days in light of J.K’s surprising new book, which features a uniquely Australian twist. The book “Tony Abbott and the Suppository of Wisdom” has recently scratched the heads of thousands of Harry Potter fans globally with both excitement and discombobulating terror wondering if […]

Coalition accuses Ketut of being an illegal boat person

Coalition accuses Ketut of being an illegal boat person

Last night’s leader’s debate saw the leader of the opposition, Tony Abbott, come out swinging at Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, shocking constituents by claiming to have unearthed irrefutable and undeniable evidence to suggest that Australia’s favourite safe driver, Ketut (last name unknown) is an illegal boat person who has followed Rhonda to Australia from an […]

Amnesty letter writing fails: engages new strategy of heavy breathing down the phone

Amnesty letter writing fails: engages new strategy of heavy breathing down the phone

In the torrid love affair between the Human Rights group and the Immigration Minister Tony Burke, Amnesty has taken another step in the direction of desperation and has begun sighing erotically down the phone line late at night.

2013 Election Preferences Controversy

2013 Election Preferences Controversy

The Liberal National Party have accidentally signed a preference deal with Big Brother contestant Caleb Geppert.

Rudd: Stop the Cars

Rudd: Stop the Cars

Internal polling conducted by the ALP has found that voters in marginal seats are more likely to vote for Labor following Kevin Rudd’s controversial policy announcement about the processing and resettlement of asylum seekers. Buoyed by such polling, Mr Rudd called a press conference yesterday afternoon to outline his plans to reform Australian hospitals and […]

Assange runs for Australian cricket team in attempt to fast track migration back to Australia

Assange runs for Australian cricket team in attempt to fast track migration back to Australia

Digital freedom fighter and aspiring bond villain Julian Assange has reportedly taken the unconventional route this week of joining the Australian national cricket team in order to expedite his migration back to Australia, seeking to take advantage of laws that place elite athletes above doctors, teachers and peace prize laureates in the Australian migratory process.

Honi soit qui mal y penis

Honi soit qui mal y penis

Liberty, equality, fraternity

Top 6 items chucked at politicians

Top 6 items chucked at politicians

Phoebe Moloney counts down protests that have hit their mark

American faith in democracy boosted at news that ex-president’s wife is a shoo-in for presidency

American faith in democracy boosted at news that ex-president’s wife is a shoo-in for presidency

Clinton is running, hoorah!

Exclusive: Rudd can’t actually speak Mandarin, just racistly imitating the Chinese this entire time

Exclusive: Rudd can’t actually speak Mandarin, just racistly imitating the Chinese this entire time

Kevin Rudd revealed as pretty racist, actually

The Soin presents: InStoile

A brand new magazine from Australia’s favourite tabloid!

Restoration Auction – The Soin goes Giminez

Restoration Auction – The Soin goes Giminez

The Soin’s Restoration Auction ala Giminez!

“I’m not Mark, guys”: Damon denies that he’s Mark Wahlberg!

“I’m not Mark, guys”: Damon denies that he’s Mark Wahlberg!

SOIN EXCLUSIVE: Matt Damon denies that he’s Mark Wahlberg!

Politician admits error, apologises

Politician does something, no one is surprised

McDonald’s Concerned “Bland and Rubbery” Stem Cell Burger May Raise Expectations of Consumers

McDonald’s Concerned “Bland and Rubbery” Stem Cell Burger May Raise Expectations of Consumers

Stem Cell vs McDonalds – which is better?

Apparition of Jesus appears in sausage at Evangelical Union BBQ

Apparition of Jesus appears in sausage at Evangelical Union BBQ

The Evangelical Union has been visited by a special apparition – Jesus on a sausage.

Carlos Danger – A ‘genuine guy’

Carlos Danger – A ‘genuine guy’

Anthony Weiner changed his name to Carlos Danger to be more respectable, The Soin reports.

Inuits pegged for gold at next Olympics after large swimming pool forms at North Pole

Inuits pegged for gold at next Olympics after large swimming pool forms at North Pole

In an amazing turn of events that has stunned the sporting world and left many scratching their heads, this week it was announced that Greenland’s swimming team at the next Summer Olympics would be made up entirely of Eskimos, following the formation of a large swimming pool where the North Pole used to be. The […]

USU decides to incorporate identity politics into operations

USU decides to incorporate identity politics into operations

The USU has hired a professional political correctness consultant in the aftermath of the (trigger warning: DEATH) “Day of the Dead” party scandal. According to Union sources, the consultant will be conducting a wide-scale review of the campus and its alignment with rampant and undiscerning political correctness. It’s expected that the consultant will rename several […]

Strike coverage: local man finally bowls a turkey

Strike coverage: local man finally bowls a turkey

A Strathfield man was yesterday celebrating his first ever turkey in a game of tenpin bowling. Garth Funkel, 23, achieved the feat at the North Strathfield AMF Bowling facility, mildly impressing co-workers forced by upper management to endure the so-called bonding exercise. A turkey is the term given to three strikes in a row in […]

Pope announces do whatever the fuck you want God doesn’t even exist

Pope announces do whatever the fuck you want God doesn’t even exist

Following a string of unprecedented announcements over previous months by the newly instated Pope, from embracing gays within the Church to implying people of other faiths can still find their way into heaven, Pope Francis stunned the world this week with his frank admission that it really doesn’t matter what you do, because we’re all just spacedust sitting on a rock hurtling through an otherwise barren universe, and for all we know there might not even be a God.

The Leadership Debate: School Edition

The Leadership Debate: School Edition

Emily Woods on the leadership debate between Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott.

Papua New Guinea’s new tourism campaign!

Papua New Guinea’s new tourism campaign!

Spend summer in sunny Papua New Guinea!

Abbott not really an asshole

Abbott not really an asshole

It was with utter elation and raw unfiltered emotion that Tony Abbott was presented with the news of Labor’s turnaround in asylum seeker policy under Prime Minister Rudd this week.

David Cameron’s Error 505

David Cameron’s Error 505

In a shock announcement following the implementation of mandatory filters on internet pornography in the UK, David Cameron has moved to ban the sale of Kleenex tissues and Vaseline to males under the age of 18.

Down-to-earth tutor just wants to get to know you guys

Down-to-earth tutor just wants to get to know you guys

Relaxed economics tutor Danny Palmer informed students yesterday that his first lesson would be exclusively dedicated to really getting a feel for one another.

Media junket eagerly awaits naming of royal afterbirth

Media junket eagerly awaits naming of royal afterbirth

The media circus surrounding the naming of the royal baby is set to continue even though William and Kate have already named the actual baby George, the naming of the afterbirth is still shrouded in mystery.

Clive Palmer collides with iceberg, sinking

Clive Palmer collides with iceberg, sinking

Eccentric billionaire Clive Palmer has collided with an iceberg and is rapidly taking in water.

Melissa Doyle not only replaced in Sunrise family, but in real family too

After being dumped from Channel 7’s morning program Sunrise, Mel Doyle has now been dumped by her children in favour of a younger, hotter Mum

Sydney Law School closes its doors, cites “too many laws to teach”

Sydney Law School closes its doors, cites “too many laws to teach”

Just four years after its reopening, Sydney Law School is no more.

BDS motion at SRC

BDS motion at SRC

A number of different opinions are set to be expressed on the use of the Boycott, Divestments, and Sanctions Motion (BDSM) to address the Israel and Palestine conflict.

Police criticised for passive aggressive behaviour

Police criticised for passive aggressive behaviour

Protesters at Sydney University have again clashed with police during the latest bout of industrial action, culminating in accusations against the Force for excessive passive-aggression.

Calm down, climate change isn’t happening

Calm down, climate change isn’t happening

Despite not having given any thought to the dangers of global warming since at least 2004, the public of the world was elated this week to hear the news that their combined apathy has resulted in a slight slowdown in the overall rise of global temperatures over the last ten years.

Press release: save petitions

Press release: save petitions

You may have heard that we are facing some difficult times. Despite numerous petitions, photo petitions, Facebook petitions, and memes for people to like and share, we have become increasingly irrelevant in Australian political discourse.

Eurovision: fucking spectacular

Eurovision: fucking spectacular

Eurovision was as crazy and spectacular this year as it always is. Even Sky Whale made an appearance.

Top 5 ridiculous USU candidate promises

Top 5 ridiculous USU candidate promises

This shit actually happened, writes Mariana Podesta-Diverio

187: West Coast rhinos get got in sub-Saharan gangland beef

187: West Coast rhinos get got in sub-Saharan gangland beef

International Union for Conservation of Nature has announced that Africa’s western, or ‘West Coast’, black rhino is officially extinct.

Luhrmann continues being darling of multicultural postmodern Australia

Luhrmann continues being darling of multicultural postmodern Australia

Luhrmann adapts Qu’ran into glitz-and-glamour 21st century film.

Researchers find cure for homophobia

Researchers find cure for homophobia

Groundbreaking research published by the Smithsonian Institute this week has proved the existence of the Bigotrus Assholus virus, known in layspeak as the ‘Common Cold-heartedness’.

UN: Australia doesn’t exist

UN: Australia doesn’t exist

Following the announcement by the Gillard Government that they have excised the mainland of Australia from the migration zone, the international community no longer recognises the existence of Australia.

A modest proposal: the Labor budget breakdown

A modest proposal: the Labor budget breakdown

Treasurer Wayne Swan’s delivery of the National Budget last week was met with much dismay from social progressives and anti-cannibalism activists.

Top 5 Emoticons

Top 5 Emoticons

;P The wink tongue face combines two much-loved and ubiquitous emoticons into one catchall classic. Feeling saucy? Feeling ironic? Feeling like what you just typed could be grossly misinterpreted and shit is about to get awkward? This face fixes everything. Whack it in at the end of any and all sentences and you’ll come across […]

Top 5 problems caused by women

Top 5 problems caused by women

5) Fall of Troy That bitch Helen caused a war. Wars are bad. The war led to the fall of Troy. Oh, and a couple of Hollywood productions with some pretty bad acting. 4) All problems in Australia Julia Gillard. Need I say more? She’s bad. Tony Abbott told us from the start, but we […]

THE SOIN: Gillard Cures Cancer in Spare Time, Approval Rating Plummets

THE SOIN: Gillard Cures Cancer in Spare Time, Approval Rating Plummets

Federal Labor reached a new low in the polls this week with the unmarried, female, atheist, red-haired immigrant Prime Minister’s approval rating dropping almost 10 percentage points after it was announced she had successfully developed a cure for cancer. Pundits have suggested this slump is most likely a result of the highly successful scare campaign […]

Positive Pete’s tips for wooin’ them sheilas

Positive Pete’s tips for wooin’ them sheilas

Martin ‘Pete’ Peterson-Dingbat knows how to woo them sheilas

Top 5 things inspired by astrology

Top 5 things inspired by astrology

5. Ronald Reagan’s day-to-day schedule Nancy Reagan, a Cancer (nup, I don’t like the connotations either), then first lady, was a big believer in astrology, and had a personal astrological advisor called Joan Quigley. After the assassination attempt on her husband in 1981, she became very influential in organising her husband’s schedule, perhaps more influential […]

Bob Katter: world unoccupied until advent of Aussies

Bob Katter: world unoccupied until advent of Aussies

Bob Katter has declared that the world was unoccupied until the advent of Australian society.

Exclusive update on Iron Throne elections

Exclusive update on Iron Throne elections

The Soin brings you exclusive updates on Iron Throne elections.

Department of corrections – The Daily Telegraph believe in Ghostz

Department of corrections – The Daily Telegraph believe in Ghostz

It’s time to take a master class from veteran Daily Telegraph reporter Richard Noone, who on February 18 had a story with the following headline published under the so-called ‘News’ section

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