The Holy Bureau of Statistics released their annual crime report today, showing that witchcraft has overtaken left-handedness as the most prevalent crime in Spain. The information holds disturbing repercussions for the future of Spain, the Spanish Criminal Justice system and the positive connotations of the word ‘inquisition’. According to High Inquisitor Torquemada, anyone found guilty…

Another innocent life was claimed last night when Petunia Meyers, 83, was killed in hospital. Police attribute the death to the now-infamous Cancer Killer, who left his signature calling card – cancer – in her body. “She was such a kind soul. We never thought this would happen to her,” said her oncologist Dr. Norton.…