Uncategorized //

New-Age motivational speaker “manifests” himself table at packed restaurant

Using techniques popularised by books like “The Secret”, professional Universal Vision Technology™ coach Eddie Gelman was able to be seated in a packed, inner-city, fine dining location in time for his date’s arrival at 7.30pm on Friday night. “Using my trademarked Universal Vision Technology™ methods my students have been able to accomplish their greatest dreams…

Comedy //

Hawking: “I Fucked the Beginning of Space-Time”

A media team from the Cambridge University Department of Applied Mathematics and Theoretical Physics has today revealed that Stephen Hawking, renowned theoretical physicist and best-selling author, fucked the beginning of space-time. Professor Hawking, in a statement released this morning, confessed that years of experimentation and inquiry had resulted in “a strange intimacy with the beginning…

Comedy //

Government Appoints New Minister for Appeasement of the Dreadful Spectres from the Land of Ice and Snow

The Federal Government has received bipartisan support for their decision to appoint Janine Frostworn to the new cabinet position of Minister for the Appeasement of the Dreadful Spectres from the Land of Snow and Ice. In her inaugural address, Frostworn avoided the pitfall less skilfully negotiated by many of her colleagues, by underpromising, and stressing…

Comedy //

HORRIBLE GARTER PRESS FIRE DEEMED PERFECTLY NORMAL

The fire that destroyed The Garter Press building was highly suspicious, but not definitely malicious, a police inquiry has revealed today. According to officials, the blaze which destroyed the publication’s Castlereagh Street headquarters wasn’t necessarily “the result of premediated and meticulously distributed incendiary devices throughout the office.” Investigators also discovered incendiary devices, centralised around The…