Comedy //

Opinion: Christmas over at the island

We have always been an open and welcoming people, but like many countries around the world, we are now paying the price for our openhearted hospitality as mostly Muslim immigrants flood our shores and transform Australian communities into Arabian sultanates. This has led to an alarming new trend known as “white flight” and figures just…

Comedy //

Comedians see no light at end of nuclear tunnel

Sydney University comedians have failed to make light of the impending nuclear apocalypse. Although North Korea has historically been the punchline of many jokes, SU comedians have decided that the potential millions of deaths is too grave for humour. “How can one make a joke about the possible annihilation of Japan and South Korea?” comedian…

thrift shop
Comedy //

USU party rebrand; still colossal failure

A University of Sydney Union (USU) spokesman has defended claims that the re-branding of annual Manning party Beachball as a ‘thrift shop party’ is more than just a belated attempt to capture campus zeitgeist. Sporting a decidedly unprofessional leopard mink and garish green alligator shoes, USU CEO Andrew Wayward downplayed suggestions that the name change…

the abbottbw
Comedy //

2013 Federal election special: Tony Abbott etc.

Tony Abbott has cut short his tour of Sydney’s western suburbs to campaign for an immediate election in Victoria following the resignation of Liberal Premier Ted Bailieu. “It’s a matter of principle,” Abbott told The Soin, “this is now an illegitimate government.” “In politics, you have to be true to your convictions. You can’t apply…

subski soinaa
Comedy //

Militant winter sports group removed from SUSF

Sydney University Sports & Fitness club SubSki has been disaffiliated after university management discovered covert radical left-wing plots by the executive of the group. SubSki was formerly known for its skiing, drinking, and nudity. A spokesperson for SUSF noted that the group’s manifesto, which begins with “a call for the revolutionary redistribution of the means…

tony abbott
Comedy //

Abbott victim of dog whistle politics

Today, opposition Leader Tony Abbott has become the latest victim of dog whistle politics after he was brutally mauled in a dog attack. A spokesman for Abbott claims that a mob of dogs set upon the politician as he left a press conference yesterday. “They were mostly minature poodles, shitzus and pugs, but they were…

Comedy //

Greens split from Labor, still fuckbuddies

Greens Leader Christine Milne announced this week the Greens party would be splitting from their long-standing alliance with the Australian Labor Party, but would essentially still remain fuck buddies. The Greens, who have opposed Labor’s handling of several major issues including the recent mining tax mishandling, say they will still support Labor against votes of…

Comedy //

Poll: “polls”, polls

Today’s Soin poll on the latest preferred Prime Minister Newspoll poll shows that the public’s support for polls is dropping, in the wake of a spate of insipid, unconstructive and entirely irrelevant polls. Results of today’s poll show that voter satisfaction with constantly being polled and then incessantly informed of the results of polls is…

Astrology square
Comedy //

Honi’s predictions for 2013

The Occupy movement will continue to die down around the world, except perhaps, in the West Bank. Happy ending: Craig Thomson will put the HSU saga to bed by accepting golden handjob. The entire Essendon team will come forward and blame Shane Warne’s mum for doping. USYD smoking areas will now also contain pokies and…