A media team from the Cambridge University Department of Applied Mathematics and Theoretical Physics has today revealed that Stephen Hawking, renowned theoretical physicist and best-selling author, fucked the beginning of space-time. Professor Hawking, in a statement released this morning, confessed that years of experimentation and inquiry had resulted in “a strange intimacy with the beginning…
The Commonwealth Bank has released a new Some Money on the End of Some Fishing Line Smart Access Account which CEO Ian Narev has described as “an exciting turn for struggling, first-time home owners, and account holders with bad credit history.” “What happens is we tie a comically large wad of money on a difficult to…
A study by anthropologists at the University of Manchester has discovered that every feather in the headdress worn by local white man Cody Harrington was a trophy from an instance where he was a gigantic arsehole. The revelation came during The Rainbow Serpent Festival in January where, when faced with allegations of cultural appropriation, Harrington…
The Federal Government has received bipartisan support for their decision to appoint Janine Frostworn to the new cabinet position of Minister for the Appeasement of the Dreadful Spectres from the Land of Snow and Ice. In her inaugural address, Frostworn avoided the pitfall less skilfully negotiated by many of her colleagues, by underpromising, and stressing…
Dear Readers, old and new, It is with equal parts heavy heart and morbid enthusiasm that I pen this introduction. I only wish I could say it was a pleasure to take the renowned position of executive editor of The Garter Press, but to do so in light of recent circumstances would be callous. As…
Anoraks and ornithologists alike were last week amazed by an incredible display of natural synchronised beauty. A flock of nearly seventeen thousand starlings (a species known for their displays of co-ordinated aerobatics) was spotted over Loch Ness, in Scotland. The daring aerial display lasted more than half an hour before they started spelling rude things.…
A 28-year-old woman has been charged with murder following a death in a New York apartment building last week. Lena Dunham, of Brooklyn, was arrested at the scene when police found the body of Jonathan Yates, 47, also of Brooklyn, at his residence with several stab wounds to the chest and genitals. It is believed…
The fire that destroyed The Garter Press building was highly suspicious, but not definitely malicious, a police inquiry has revealed today. According to officials, the blaze which destroyed the publication’s Castlereagh Street headquarters wasn’t necessarily “the result of premediated and meticulously distributed incendiary devices throughout the office.” Investigators also discovered incendiary devices, centralised around The…