This morning, a dude texted me “Will you let this average white boy smash once?” Applaud the hustle, but top-tier clown behaviour. Let’s whore the hell out of whatever’s left of Leo season!

I don’t know about you all, but this romance thing is fucking tiring. University is back in swing and you will be having fun around campus and catching fleeting kisses in between classes.

Cup-a-Soup with some Halal Snack Pack after a 2 am booty call? ‘Tis the season for it. We’re in Taurus season and sorry you agitated Oxes, you gotta up your game now.

The end of Aries season has been full of breakups — tears, breakup sex and a frenzy of dating apps? Fuck yes, the time of embarrassment and relentless swiping!

Sounds of pleasure and yearning are rather hot, a soft moan here and a harder groan there. Enjoy what the season has for you — immense passion and sloppy secrets.

Happy Aries season — disco lights are turning blue, henna is a lushing red, and people are partying their heads off. Pop an extra pill on me, quick!

It’s election time baby and guess who will try bringing mediocre political takes to bed for some extra fucking? Your Bumble date with “moderate” politics.

Dear readers, this week's theme is family but I am not making any incest jokes. If your body is a temple, your sexiness drives me to the altar.

As a Pisces Moon, I find change terrible and the weather is so sultry despite the onset of autumn. What else is hot? You. And the USyd campus is brimming with sexiness with the semester looming over. So go be a whore on campus (or don’t).

Happy Pisces season — we are entering the brink of autumn, looking at colder days and more time to spend under the sheets. You could explore so much as you shimmy into the turtlenecks but that doesn’t mean you have to throw your gorgeous underwear away.