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Comedy //

You know what I mean, ladies?

Election analysis with social and political commentator Kathy Lette (n.b – not actually written by Kathy Lette).

The real-life Kathy Lette. Not pictured: a real feminist.
The real-life Kathy Lette. Not pictured: a real feminist.

Well, here we are at the end of another Union Board election campaign.

It’s been a long three weeks and I know what you’re thinking – more like Union Bored, am I right‽

But this is a very important issue because these students will be governing the Board for the next two years. And if you don’t think that’s a long time, try getting married. Jeezaloo! Spending two years in the company of any man ain’t easy. Am I right, ladies‽

It’s good to see some real girl-power getting involved this year! I like this K’Chau girl. Though – most men probably think that’s some sort of washing powder. And you’ve got Get Hans On! as well. Let me tell you, honey, you don’t need to be putting out the invitation! They’ll be lining up if you let ‘em!

People often ask me for advice. They say: Kathy, what should I do when I get on Union Board? Well, sista, the first thing you gotta do is find the USU office.

And you know how you’re gonna do it? Ask for directions! No man would ever do that, you know what I mean?! They want to give the directions, not ask for them. Men!

It’s one thing to be a strong woman, but you’ve got to have policies too. It’s great to see so many candidates supporting Fair Trade coffee. I really love fair trade, with all my heart. I just wish my husband would engage in a little fair trade with the orgasms, you know what I mean, ladies?! I’ll come first Wednesdays and Fridays, you take the rest of the week, alright‽

Now, a few people have said to me: Kathy, there will always be strong female representation on the Union Board, because of affirmative action. Though you know – most people think affirmative action is the name of the new Bruce Willis movie.

He’s a bit of a hunk, isn’t he‽ I call him Bruce Willies because I think about them every time I see him! Woof!

But there is a very serious point to make, and that’s about the finances of this Union. Because for the last two years, the Vice-Chancellor has been trying to take as much money away from the student union as he can. Most people probably think a Chancellor is some sort of poker machine – but you know, this guy will take even more money off you than one of those!

One question some candidates have asked me is: should I support universal Access? You know, before I knew much about this Union Board thingamybob one of my kids asked me: what’s universal Access? And I said, “Honey, that’s just another term for ‘skank’!” But now I know it’s actually about bisexuality.

There is one candidate who does terrify me: “The Coff”. Most people probably think the Coff is some new epidemic disease! I sure don’t want no rash from the Coff, am I right, ladies‽ Ha! Here’s the thing though – if you want to get yourself a strong woman on Board, you’ve got to put one in her box.

Come to think of it, that’s actually the same line I used to pick up Geoffrey in a London bar! Zing!

And it’s really important that you show up to vote, because this is going to be a tight election. Most people think a tight election is what happens when you crack a fat in skinny jeans, but no – it actually means hardly anyone is going to vote.

But what was the question again?

Oh yes, politics. Look, I’ve got nothing against factions. They’re just another way of expressing percentages.

I’ve often thought about joining a political party though, but there just isn’t one out there for a strong, independent woman like me. When someone invents the “Women Whose Husbands Are Shit at Cleaning and Shit in Bed and It’s Ruining My Life Party”, make sure to let me know! Am I right, ladies?!

Just last week we had a lot of strong women stay over at our house in London. We had Hilary Clinton, Aung San Suu Kyi, Oprah, Dame Edna, Rosa Parks, and Joan of Arc. I didn’t understand most of what they were saying but, hey, most people think Joan of Arc is a Sydney drag queen.

So vote hard, vote early, and vote often, ladies. And as you enter the voting booth, ask yourself: don’t you just hate men?

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