Comedy //

Dear Diary: Batman

If the Dark Knight trilogy was meant to be about anger, then Diary, this entry is about disappointment.

Mood: The Dark Knight is Rising.

Dear Diary,

I took the night off fighting crime. Had the Lamborghini detailed. I made sure Alfred got us great seats for the midnight premiere. Anne Hathaway was my date. We had her catsuit for our own private afterparty (and you thought her arse was good onscreen). And for what? I should have stayed home and watched the one with Arnie as Mr Freeze.

Why were the two most epic action sequences both in the trailer? That thing with the plane, the football field exploding beneath the players feet. I couldn’t wait. I was sure that the trailer was a taste of better things to come. Is it not a reasonable expectation that something will be kept in reserve for the film itself?  Bigger action sequences, villains, femme fatales, nail biting suspense…in the end I would have settled for a coherent plot and some character development.

Miranda Tate hated her Dad. Her Dad tried to destroy Gotham. I killed her Dad. Now she wants to finish his life work and kill me in the process. Cool. For future reference Christopher, buddy, you might want to use more than one line of dialogue to explain the most crucial plot point in the movie.

Also. How does Bane eat? The guy has more muscle than me: how does he drink his post-work-out Protein Shake with that mask? Does he have to hook up to a drip when he isn’t blowing things up? Never mind the fact that he wasn’t even a compelling villain, and that you couldn’t understand what he was saying. For a trilogy praised for its realism, is it not unreasonable that something as basic as eating shouldn’t be impossible for a main character?

One more thing. Nolan – are you actually arrogant enough to believe that you can pick the next Batman? That DC comics won’t hire someone completely new to re-invent the franchise? Sure, you revolutionised superhero movies, but that doesn’t make you God. Not every Batman movie or comic book is going to be based on your movie. And did you have to pick Robin? Seriously? Joseph Gordon Levitt has about three kilograms of muscle on him, what is he going to fight crime with? Boyish charm?

If the Dark Knight trilogy was meant to be about anger, then Diary, this entry is about disappointment. Christopher Nolan spent nearly a decade making what could have been the greatest superhero trilogy ever. What probably still is the greatest superhero trilogy ever. But it just wasn’t what it could have been. In the end he was just a man.

And men can fail.