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Dear Diary: Mitt Romney

Oh fudge – things didn’t go as well overseas as I thought they would. I was just trying to be honest with England about their Olympics and Cameron had to get all flustered and claim that Salt Lake City is “in the middle of nowhere”. First of all, David, Salt Lake is slightly north of…

Oh fudge – things didn’t go as well overseas as I thought they would. I was just trying to be honest with England about their Olympics and Cameron had to get all flustered and claim that Salt Lake City is “in the middle of nowhere”. First of all, David, Salt Lake is slightly north of nowhere; secondly, we true conservatives really need to have one another’s backs if we’re going to get the world back on track by fixing America through repealing Obamacare everywhere except Massachusetts.

As for my press aide cussing at reporters outside the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Poland well, let’s just say I’ll have to have some stern words with him (although nowhere near as stern as he used!) My only worry is finding someone new to do his job – flying in a replacement from China on such short notice would cost a fortune, and I know Anne’s really had her eye on that new car elevator. I’d hate to disappoint her, diary, I do love her, she’s just the right height and I’m so comforted by her body warmth and facial symmetry. I guess we’ll just have to hope and pray that the old plant goes into receivership so I can cannibalise its assets and sell off its pension funds for an enormous profit. We’re really just trying to make ends meet.

At least I’ve got a big name in a small package on my side now. Paul Ryan should really electrify the base, and my advisors have assured me that Republicans will be thrilled to see at least one Republican on the ticket. Plus I very much approve of his economic plans. If he really lowers the capital gains tax rates that far I might even be tempted to move some money back into the old American accounts. What a thought! I’m a little concerned about the logistics of taking him along on the campaign trail though – I can’t say with certitude whether or not he would fit on the roof of any of the cadillacs. Besides, the wind would almost certainly disrupt the formidable combination of hairstyles that we’re currently maintaining. Other than that things really seem to be looking up though, diary.

Oh my godness. I just read on Twitter that an anagram of “Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan” is “My Ultimate Ayn Rand Porn”! I can’t possibly associate myself with such a crass and offensive thing. I don’t particularly want to be associated with pornography either. It looks like I may have to end up riding the Cain Train after all. Honestly diary, it’s times like these I just wish I could have a fucking beer.

Yours,

William Mittingworth Romneyfeller III

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