Anthony Weiner, the former New York Congressman whose pixelated penis will forever haunt the minds of every person with an Internet connection, has revealed to the media that the reason he chose to conduct his depraved sexting operation under the name ‘Carlos Danger’ was to “seem like a more genuine guy, the kind of guy that women would want to see dick pics of.”
In a press conference held to announce his future candidacy for President of the United States, evidently because he doesn’t know how scandals work, Weiner shed further light on the whole saga, explaining the reasons behind his decision to use a name which is almost universally regarded as idiotic.
“Let’s be honest. If I had contacted a woman and told her my name was Anthony Weiner, one of two things would have happened. She would either have heard about me in the news during my last scandal, in which case she would have probably exposed me to the media and told my wife and child, ruining my political career and my personal life,” laughed Weiner, “or she would not have heard of me, and would not believe that a guy named Weiner wants to send her photos of his penis. Either way, it seemed to me that Carlos Danger was my only option.”
When one reporter asked Weiner why he used a name that made him sound like a Mexican supervillain, as opposed to a more generic pseudonym, Weiner replied “Huh. I, uh, I guess that never crossed my mind.” When another reporter asked Weiner why he was sending photos of his penis to women who were neither his wife nor his doctor, Weiner seemed unable to understand, responding “What? You mean, like, don’t send photos at all? No… that doesn’t seem right.”
Weiner expects to start his campaign for Presidency next week, in particular expressing his desire to have a chance to work with that “Monica woman that everyone was talking about in the 90s.”