Matt Damon paced around the ABC Studio’s green room like a caged elephant right before it goes crazy and kills a zookeeper. Matt Damon was not worried about his impending interview for The 7:30 Report – this Leigh Sales woman had a reputation for asking tough questions, but Matt Damon did not care because his muscles were infinity big. No, Matt Damon was suffering a crisis of identity.
He had just seen a screenshot of a text message conversation on Mark Wahlberg’s Facebook page. Two woman had taken photos with their arms wrapped around the ‘Marky Mark’ Wahlberg and proudly proclaimed that ‘we just met Matt Damon!’ It sent shivers down the real Matt Damon’s spine. He had struggled with being confused for Mark Wahlberg the whole of his adult career, and this photo was the straw which broke the boyishly good-looking camel’s back. ‘You are Mark Daberg, not Matt Wahlmon!’ he screamed, then ‘GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!’ as he realised his mistake and karate chopped the makeup desk in half.
Was there not room in the public consciousness for TWO muscular Bostonian movie star philanthropists with immaculate foreheads? Was he really so generic? Matt Damon had never told anyone this, but on his bleakest nights he had even begun to dream that he had rapped with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. WHO WAS HE?
It was time now to leave the green room. Matt Damon pushed thoughts of his identity to the side. ‘You are your own person!’ Matt Damon stabbed a finger towards the ruins of the makeup mirror. ‘You were the guy that got SHOT at the end of The Departed, NOT the guy that SHOT you!’ whispered Matt Damon like the dude in the 2010 sports biopic Invictus, but totally not like the dude in the 2010 sports biopic The Fighter. Then Matt Damon did a million push-ups to psyche himself up.
Matt Damon was experiencing an ecstatic sparkle of rebirth as he strolled down the corridor linking the green room to the studio. He had shined his forehead to an immaculate sheen and tousled his salt-and-pepper hair into an immaculate tousle. ‘You can do this!’ he told himself as he pushed through the studio doors. ‘You are Matt Damon!’
‘Welcome to the 7:30 report, Mark Wahlberg!’ said Leigh Sales.
Matt Damon burst into tears. Big meaty man teardrops cascaded down his big meaty man face.