The USU has hired a professional political correctness consultant in the aftermath of the (trigger warning: DEATH) “Day of the Dead” party scandal.
According to Union sources, the consultant will be conducting a wide-scale review of the campus and its alignment with rampant and undiscerning political correctness.
It’s expected that the consultant will rename several key locations around campus.
Eastern Avenue will most likely be redubbed “All Geographical Regions of the World Avenue”, while Science Road will change to “Science and Alternative Religious Worldviews Road”.
Manning and Hermann’s will adapt to incorporate gender non-specific language.
Speculation is also mounting that the (trigger warning: HETERONORMATIVITY) Quad is just a little bit square, and will be remodelled into a shape that is far less symmetrical, like a rhombus, or a tetrahedron.