Comedy //

EXCLUSIVE: Tom Raue leaks … himself

What will happen next?

Free speech activists around the globe have been changing their Facebook profile pictures to the above image in support of Raue’s latest non-violent direction action.

Outspoken champion of freedom of information and Pure Fucking Metal guitarist Tom Raue has again shocked yet another predominantly white, middle-class audience. In this particular instance, Raue was addressing the executive board of confectionery and space exploration corporation Mars Inc. about the injustices of slavery in the snack-sized chocolate industry.

“I was busy polishing my blood diamonds when the sounds of tinkling gold fell silent and everyone was just staring, dumbfounded, at the bearded peasant,” said William de Borg IV, CEO of Mars Inc.

Renowned for being Australia’s most frequent plaintiff, Raue first courted controversy in 2013 as Vice-President of the University of Sydney Union (USU), when he leaked information from a confidential USU report to The Soin indicating the University collaborated with police during industrial action on campus. Citing the leak’s value to the public interest, the ex-Board Director has since devoted his livelihood to the cause of whistleblowing and has now proven his dedication by leaking the most dangerous thing of all: himself.

The Soin spoke to a number of executive members present at the event and can confirm that Raue was chanting: “Everything must be leaked! The people have a right to know!” at the very moment a dark patch was quickly spreading across the crotch of his cargo pants. The Chief Interplanetary Officer, who holds a PhD in the history of the USU, was the first to notice, and led the executive board in a giggling counter-chant of “VP pee pee”. Raue allegedly made no effort to hide the urine soaking through his trousers or running down his legs. He was last seen being pulled away by security guards while he extolled the virtues of full communism.

Raue is currently in custody and could not be reached for comment. Nonetheless, two competing sanitary pad companies have already aired televised appeals inviting Raue to contact them about becoming the face of their new ‘Liberty, equality, sorority’ campaign.