1. THE LAW STUDENT
They’re all obnoxiously rich and white. So are you, probably, but you’re studying something respectable that will transform you into a contributing member of society. None of this faffing around giving marginalised people legal representation. Law kids have their own library, a car park, ice sculptures, and satanic rituals involving a baguette and the blood of an ibis. Oh, and they get their own personal slaves; sign up to be one if you’re serious about transferring next year.
2. THE EX
Forget about the smouldering glances you traded over kebabs in Wentworth. Boycott kebabs for a month to help you heal. Then go back to Wentworth with your friends, reclaim it, and feel empowered. You were always too good for that loser. Besides, they tweeted about hating Game of Thrones and they know it’s your favourite show, clearly they’re just being passive aggressive. Better go and untag yourself from all their Facebook photos, and tell your friend to tell their friend to tell them to stop being so immature.
3. THE STUDENT POLITICIAN
They may buy you a drink, they may give you their study notes, they may sacrifice a precious hour of networking time to clean up your puke and escort you home from a party. Do not trust them. Where their soul once resided, there remains only darkness. Though perhaps they’re not so different from you and me. We dream of faraway lands and boys and exams and flying. They too dream of flying – flying to Canberra, tangled in the sheets in an ecstasy of desire, “stop the boats, stop the boats”.
4. THE HOT TUTOR
Who knew Calculus could be so intensely erotic? He says “linear operator”, you hear “be mine”. He says “derivative function”, you hear “6:00 Thursday Fisher stacks”. Don’t do it. Sooner or later you’ll find yourselves reminiscing about 2005, when you and your friends had an Arthur marathon and he hooked up with three girls at his 21st.
5. THE TOKEN BIGOT
The thing about this person is that they’re just so funny, and talented, and attractive. And everyone loves them, and they probably didn’t mean that joke about Muslim people. Maturity is about learning to accept all kinds of people, right? (Bonus points if you’re the guy who invites creeps to house parties where they menace your female friends).