Sydney Men’s Rights Activists scored a decisive victory today as the O’ Farrell government moved to ban “friendzones” which occur when a woman refuses sex to a man who has been vaguely nice to her. The announcement comes after literally days of activisms from “prominent” Sydney ””Men’s” ““Rights””Activists”””.
“Look, we were won over by their argument that men’s rights are human rights,” said the Premier in explanation, “Therefore any trivial infraction of those rights, real or supposed, deserves our priority attention. But what new rights do you give the man who already has disproportionate access to all avenues of political, economic, administrative, social, and familial power? The answer, of course, is the right to sleep with that girl at work who he’s had two conversations with and bought a coffee for, and yet STILL she insists on not sexing his penis.”
In a month of lockouts, the new legislation will ban the lockout of a gentleman’s penis from the vagina of a lady once he has paid her three compliments, unlike all the jerks she probably dates. A further subclause requires a prominent trigger warning to be placed at the beginning of all episodes of Game of Thrones where Jonah doesn’t get to put his penis into the Kahleesi. A controversial Labor-backed amendment seeks to establish affirmative action quotas which will require “nice guys” to receive just as much sex as “arsehole jerks”.
However, Sydney’s Mens Rights Activists are warning that this small victory is only one step on the long path to allowing straight white cismen to do whatever they want whenever they want to whomever they want.
“This won’t right the historic and continued suppression of a man’s right to put his penis into the vagina of a lady” wrote user DAWKINS4PRES on a battle.net MRA thread. “For instance, did you know that NONE of the male victims of the Titanic’s women and children first policy ever got to have sex with the ladies they’d saved? However, today is a day for celebration. Because although I can still refuse to engage with even the most basic and fundamental principles of feminism, nevertheless a woman now cannot refuse to engage with my penis once I’ve told her she’s pretty!” When asked if he even understood what was meant by voluntary consent, DAWKINS4PRES simply proceeded to post “MEN’S HEALTH” for an hour until his keyboard broke.
UPDATE: the O’Farrell government has informed us that it will actually take four (rather than three) compliments to sleep with a woman of colour, “because of intersectionality”.