Police have announced today that they are scaling back search and rescue efforts aimed at recovering the University of Sydney’s entire first year undergraduate body, stating there is now little hope left of finding the attendees of the O-Week “Into the Wild” event alive and well.
Parents of the misplaced 8342 students still haven’t given up hope that their children will be returned unharmed, saying that some of the group had been Scouts in the past, and therefore would be “well equipped if any obstacles came up in the wild that required complicated reef-knots”. Others, however, have resigned themselves to the fact that they may never see their children again. Anne Perkins, mother of a first year IT student told Honi: “I just can’t realistically see my son surviving this long without WiFi.”
Despite the potential loss of life, the University is calling the ongoing tragedy a PR coup, with round-the-clock news coverage greatly boosting the University’s global profile. “We can look at this one of two ways,” Vice Chancellor Michael Spence told Honi while fumbling with his office keys. “Either you can be sad that 8000 undergraduates were lost, or you can be glad they only went missing after they had paid their first HELP installment. Plus most of them weren’t International students anyway, so it’s hardly a loss to the business. I mean university. Actually could you cut those last bits out? Thanks.”
Suspended Union Board member and walking lawsuit, Tom Raue, has apologised to the friends and families of those missing, saying the USU “takes full responsibility for this outcome”, and in retrospect holding the celebration in the jungles of the Amazon was “probably not sensible”. “You can be sure of one thing though,” said Mr Raue, “this wouldn’t have happened if we weren’t being forced to cut costs thanks to Voluntary Student Unionism. So really, this is all John Howard’s fault.” Mr Howard has since been arrested and charged.
Not everyone was saddened by the loss of life however, with college student and non-USU member Richington Moneybags III Esq. claiming he is unperturbed by the USU’s latest attempt at fun. “It’s still a better result than that god-awful ‘Snowball’ they held in 2012, and the ‘Beach Ball’ in 2011”, he said, swigging Bollinger from the bottle and savouring a gold-dusted macaron. “And let’s not forget how that “Release the Ebola Virus on Unsuspecting Victims” party in 2010 had that godawful DJ. But most of all I’m just glad the USU is taking the media attention away from the carnage of our latest college hazing lark. I mean, we really didn’t know those enchiladas had anthrax in them when we gave them to the first years, and you can’t realistically expect every person at college to have memorised the UN’s convention on banned biological weapons anyway, right?!”
Police have warned the public that this will not be the last themed university party to claim lives, with UTS already planning their own “Welcome to the Jungle” event later this semester. UTS Janitor and Vice Chancellor Gus Brown has pledged to outdo Sydney University in every way with a rival event, promising performers, a ferris wheel and student deaths in the “tens of thousands”.