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The running of the water buffaloes

An editorial devoted to one of the most shocking news events in 2014: the dramatic escape of two water buffaloes down King Street.

Image: John Adkins, via Flickr.

Last Tuesday, two water buffaloes charged down King Street after escaping from a film set in Sydney Park.

The national news coverage was superb. One eyewitness told the ABC “they were just on the streets, just running”. SMH put their MH370 Hypothetical Route Graphic Consultants back to work making a stunning little map with a bold red line along King Street to indicate where the animals travelled, along King Street.

However, one flaw in the media’s efforts was the complete lack of explanation as to proper buffalo identification. How were the buffaloes identified as hydrophilic buffalo as opposed to their hydrophobic kin?

Honi Soit warns its readers that it gets even more complicated. Within the aquatic family alone, there are in fact, two separate species of water buffalo: domestic Asian water buffalo (Bubalus Bubalis) and the wild water buffalo (Bubalis arnee). These large bovids evolved from Bulbasaur and thrive on a diet of reeds, water hyacinth and marsh grasses.

The temperament of a water buffalo in its natural environment is best encapsulated by a photo titled ‘Water buffalo wallowing in mud’ about a fifth of the way down the Wikipedia entry for water buffalo. Nowhere on this authoritative source is there any indication that water buffalos are naturally disposed to aggressive charges up metropolitan thoroughfares like King Street. USyd students deserve answers.

After confusing WowCow with a preschool-nightclub establishment, the buffaloes condemned the backlit neon chain for its awful speciesism.

There are 172 million water buffaloes on this planet and they contribute more than 70 million tonnes of milk annually to the world food stocks. This makes them experts on dairy issues, and it was rumoured that they articulated strong theoretical opposition to King Street’s frozen yoghurt craze.

One buffalo grunted “Seriously? They turn our milk into this filthy textureless crap?” to which the other replied “Yeah, it tastes like plutonium and apparently it’s super bad for them too.”

There are also Wild African buffaloes, but we wouldn’t want to tackle too many of life’s big questions in one week’s editorial.

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