Dear Ian Thorpe,
I am a professional emoticon designer, specialising in avante garde emoticons.
I am also your number one most non-sycophantic fan.
I read about you in the paper yesterday and really admired your active lifestyle.
I didn’t mean to, but I was seized by the creative muse from above, thrust against my computer, and forced (by the creative muse) to make the following emoticon for you:
I was a bit annoyed because it actually took me ten minutes to make. At the time, I was running ten minutes late for a doctor’s appointment. This caused me to miss the doctor’s appointment. I had to pay a cancellation fee of $80. Currently, I am looking to recoup these costs.
Would you like to buy the rights to the above emoticon for $80? (Please, I am a poor, starving, diseased artist, and you are a millionaire sportsman. I cannot help it that thinking about you causes me to do such irresponsible but expressive acts.)
If you would not like to buy it (and I understand, because my art is never well-received), I would like to give it to you for free, as a gift.
It is a gift to express my non-sycophantic admiration for you and your active lifestyle. I think it’s great that you are not obese. So many people are these days (if you haven’t heard, Google: `How Ian Thorpe escaped the obesity epidemic’, and you will find the blog I have created about you and your active habits, which contains lots of information about why people get fat and also statistics on obesity in general), and yet, you are not. I do not think this is due to random error. I think it is because you swim frequently. Swimming is excellent for muscle tone and health in general.
As a tip, you might want to consider eating more celery.
Also, please check out my blog: ianthorpeisnotfatobviouslybecauseheswimsheapsyeahhhhhhtumblr.com. And don’t just say that you will but not actually do it, because I hate it when my friends do that.