Comedy //

Beyonce’s VMA Performance Kills Thousands

Astha Rajvanshi survived.

All of the 12 000 audience members at this year’s MTV VMAs have died from exhaustion, dehydration and starvation after Beyoncé accidentally ended up performing every song she has ever made, ever.

Originally the singer was scheduled to do a 15-minute performance of her latest self-titled album. However, following a series of backstage communication errors, she surprised the audience with what was literally a show-stopping performance of more than 250 songs which lasted over three days.

The Texan singer wore a sparkly leotard throughout the performance, which slowly disintegrated on stage with each passing day and each new fallen audience member. Along with some classics like “Single Ladies” and “Halo,” the singer also performed songs from her Destiny’s Child days that nobody had ever heard before, including “Signs,” with the infamous lyrics: “He was freaky like a Taurus the way he handled me yeah/Flirtatious like an Aries/ Which sign is best for me?”

A few hysterical audience members tried to tweet at the singer to beg her to stop at the two day mark, but were unable to as their iPhone batteries died half way through the show from Instagramming their own protracted deaths too much.

Upon finishing, a breathless Beyoncé said, “I have nothing to say,” but continued, “I love Jay-Z, I love Blue Ivy, I love music, I love God, I love you my fans, I love you MTV, I love y’all so much!”

Blue Ivy was the only remaining audience member left alive. “Go Mummy,” the three-year old babbled into the microphone, standing alone amongst a sea of stinking corpses.