Comedy //

Ask Honey

Honey Soy’s famous advice column.

Dear Honey,

I’m not trying to be offensive, but: how do lesbians have sex? I know this is probably quite a novel and original question that has never been asked before by anyone ever so please feel free to do some research and get back to me in your own time.


Confused and curious

Hi Confused and curious,

This is a great question and I can see it has come from a place of deep respect for lesbians. As you suggested, I went and did some research on this topic. I can now reveal: this is how lesbians have sex.

First the lesbians have to source a variety of household objects, specifically: a spatula, a whisk and one of those machines that cores apples and turns them into little crunchy apple springs. They also have to buy those little cheeses that come in their own little wax wrappings IN BULK – we’re talking Costco bulk – and peel half of them, making sure to set the wax aside for later. Next, said lesbians have to transport said objects – wax and all – to that obscure and quaint little seaside town in Victoria where popular 90s Australian drama “Seachange” was filmed. Then they usually have to wait around in said seaside town for around 4-6 months until the spring rain comes, bringing with it promise of a good harvest and a fertile crop, as well as strong healthy firstborns for all who perform the requisite new year ritual (here, the lesbians can choose to incorporate both the leftover wax and the apple coring machine.) At the first sign of the winter equinox, the lesbians are then obliged to catch a pair of wild pugs and harness them to a handmade wicker chariot, and ride into the hinterland leaving a trail of lemon drops and chocolate freckles behind them, as wedge-tailed eagles soar above them and choirs of Miley Cyrus impersonators herald their ascension into the promised land.