A Liberal spokesperson has confirmed the Government’s plans to deregulate higher education fees were actually abandoned several months ago. The Government’s decision to cease its controversial reform was announced by Prime Minister Tony Abbott mere days after March in May.
The announcement, which read in part “We didn’t know you felt that way” and “We’re genuinely sorry,” was expected to generate considerable celebration. To the Prime Minister’s confusion, however, he was booed off the stage. The audience had been unable to hear him over a Socialist Alternative protest.
“I was trying to fix it,” Abbott explained, exasperated, to Honey Soy. “I said they were right, my government had made a mistake, but they just kept chanting. It was kind of catchy, I guess, but not really helpful.”
Abbott has since made several attempts to inform the Australian public of his government’s change of heart, but has been unable to speak louder than SAlt chants. Christopher Pyne was even sent to St John’s College to enlist more speakers, and so more volume, but was unable to converse with residents due to yet another protest.
When asked by Honey Soy if they were aware of the policy change, an anonymous SAlt member appeared briefly bewildered before asking the interviewer to sign a petition. When the interviewer pressed the matter they were accused of being “Liberal scum”, prompting nearby activists to begin chanting. At press time the interviewer complained of Socialist rhymes being stuck in their head.