Honi Soit writing competiton. Entries close July 29
Comedy //

White Christian Terrorist Quietly Happy With Way Things Are Going

Cam Smith is a hobbyist terrorist.

Local terrorist Rob Wilson is counting his lucky stars this week, after the Federal government once again pledged to focus a majority of its counter terrorism efforts on innocent Muslims and people fleeing Iraq, to the relief of Christian terrorists country over. The father of three and part time extremist says he is actually quite glad a majority of his work goes overlooked as a Christian extremist, as he prefers to let his work speak for itself, and he’s not in it for fame or glory.

Rob says he has been a hobbyist terrorist for some years now, tinkering away in his back shed with various detonators, when not scouring his Bible for new sins, and is always on the look out for more industrial grade manure to ad to his rapidly growing collection. While Rob says his interest is only a weekend job at the current time, he hopes that someday it might become his death.

Despite the government’s support, it’s not all smooth sailing for Rob, with the occasional run in with the authorities inevitable in his line of work. “For a while I was getting really worried that the police had cottoned on to my plans and might shut things down,” says Rob, “there was always this van with tinted windows parked out the front, but in the end it turned out they were just after my Sikh neighbors. Apparently they’d had a whole kitchen drawer full of knives of something, so they were all taken in for questioning under anti-terror laws and nobody’s heard from them since.”

Although it may seem like a lonely and isolating pursuit, Rob is far from the only white Christian terrorist operating out of his local community in Mosman. Many other like-minded Christian fundamentalists with an interest in crushing the Australian way of life meet up regularly with Rob for coffee and lunch at a local cafe. The group says they often talk about their plans for the complete destruction of western civilisation without hassle from the authorities or cafe staff, who generally take the presence of Bibles at their table as a sign of good faith. Rob recalls one incident where the owner of a local cafe offered the group free weekly use of the venue’s function space for all future religious meetings, an offer which the group has made use of, constructing and storing rudimentary pipe bombs in the space.

While things are largely smooth sailing for Rob and his band of True Believers at the moment, they are always mindful that winds may change in the future. “We’re prepared for the possibility that we might one day face a country not led by such a Liberal government, God forbid,” says Steve Wright, the group’s secretary. “That’s why we’ve enlisted the assistance of the Australian Christian Lobby to ensure no laws will ever be passed limiting our freedom to push our beliefs on others. And should the day come where those horrible Greens have a chance at ruining all our fun, well, let’s just say we’ve got a certain friend in a high office who’s doing his best to ensure there’ll be no trees left for them to hug by the time that day rolls around.”