A Beginner’s Guide to Escorts

So you’ve sat down either sober or tipsy, and found yourself looking at a particular booty (or pair of breasts, or legs).  She could be offering erotic massage for $100, or be a celebrity pornstar who’ll lighten your load by up to $10 000 for a wild night.

Either way, you’re thinking it might be worth a shot.  So here’s a play-by-play, step-by-step approach that won’t get you ignored or blacklisted, and that will get you the night (or 15 minutes) you’re after.

1. Don’t even think about asking for a discount.

Are you going to ask a plumber for a discount on listed prices?  Would you look at a menu, call over the waitress, and say “look babe, I’m sure you can be generous”?  Most of us offer reductions for bookings over an hour (two hours with me saves you $100, for instance).  If you’re after something unusual – a whole weekend, or overnights – then maybe, maybe you can discuss it.

We genuinely don’t have the time to deal with your stinginess.

2. She’s a professional.  Treat her like one.

“23M 7 inch 1hr, u do anal?”

“hello. let me know if you are free this morning”

“Hi Lyra. I like your profile and web page. Thanks for putting in the effort, it certainly got my attention. About me, I’m 5’10”, 48 y.o. with a slim athletic build, not your typical 50 y.o. lol. I live in the CBD area and can host. I’d like to arrange something tomorrow evening or one night next week. I look forward to your reply.”

“HI I WOULD LOVE TO GANGBANG YOU HARD BABE ANY TIME I WOULD LOVE TO CUM ALL OVER YOUR BODY”

One of these messages is not the others; because one treats me like a professional offering services, and also like a human being. The others assume that I a) care about penis lengths, b) am awake at 6am and immediately raring to go, or c) am constantly in search of capitalized group sex.

Because I’m a professional, I did respond to all of those messages. Because I’m also a human being, my replies were as follows:

“No.”

“Sorry, I do require more than an hour’s notice for a booking!”

“Hi there. Thank you very much for your kind words!  I’m glad you enjoyed my profile. Did you have a preferred time for tomorrow?  I’ll be able to reach Parramatta by around 8pm if that is suitable.  Regards, Lyra.”

“Lol fuck off.”

3. Be specific and reasonable.

If you are absolutely not going to hire a girl who doesn’t do anal, specify that at the beginning.  I once had one gentleman (debatable) confirm a time and place – and actually give me his address – before asking about unprotected oral, which I don’t offer.  After trying in vain to argue me around, he cancelled the booking an hour before we were due to meet.

Speaking of – if she says no, don’t be pushy, especially when it’s a safety ‘no’.  We don’t care if you say you’re clean.  Chances are if we’ve given in, you’ve probably swayed other girls before.  Unprotected oral is far more dangerous to us than it is to you, and pushing on that when you would never go for unprotected sex just reflects a lack of respect for the girl’s body.

No means no.  Hard limits are hard limits.  Pushing us makes us feel unsafe and will give you an awkward time with a worker who is clearly uncomfortable.   We’re already taking safety risks as it is.

4. Read her goddamned info.

It might be a profile on an escorting site.  It might be a Locanto ad.  It might be a fully-fledged website.  Read the important details, wherever they are.  Rates and services are asked about the most, which is stupid because they’re generally listed really clearly.

5. Give her advance notice.

As much as you can – the more the better.  I had a month’s notice once, and it was fantastic!  Whereas I don’t even bother with the 10pm messages reading “are you free tonight?”  Chances are that even if I am, I’m hardly in the mood for impromptu sober sex with a drunk person.

6. Treat your appointment like a doctor’s appointment.

Simply put, don’t be late.  This is her time – and more importantly, you’re paying for it.  If you’ve made an hour booking and show up 20 minutes late, don’t even think about asking to just pay for 40 minutes.  A client once asked if he could shave $50 off my rate, when he showed up fifteen minutes late for a 30 minute booking.  I’d been on time; and he hadn’t seen me because he hadn’t been bothered to get out of the car.

I’d like to think that was the most unfriendly orgasm he’d ever received.

7. Human beings, not sex toys.

Most escorts stipulate that payment is for time and companionship.  That half hour or hour rate covers the time you spend in their company – from when they arrive to when they leave.

A client and I once had a lovely forty five minute chat on the couch, before finally moving things into the bedroom.  Fifteen minutes later, I informed him that time was up.

He actually said “I thought it only counted when we were having sex.”

Once I had explained the basic principle of escorting – payment is for time, not sex acts – he sighed. “Well, at least I’ve learned my lesson, I won’t waste time talking next time.”

I told him that a good proportion of my clients see me for the talking. He laughed like I’d told him a joke.

I definitely didn’t, very briefly, wonder if he’d take me stepping on his foot with a stiletto as a joke.

Other common tips:

• Ask before kissing.  Some girls don’t allow mouth-to-mouth contact full stop.  Some are alright with light kissing, and others offer ‘passionate French kissing’.  Respect preferences – kissing is intimate in a very different way from sex, and there are quite a few workers who use it to differentiate between work and relationships.
• Outcall means she doesn’t host.  Assume no hosting, unless incall is actually listed.
• No cars.  Seriously.  The amount of people who think that a car is reasonable for anything is astounding.  Either your place, hers, or a hotel.  There are by-the-hour hotels in the CBD and Parramatta from as little as $50.