Dear Lynette,
I like to think of myself as a pretty elligible omnipotent being of pure energy, but the ladies just don’t seem to take an interest in a decent guy to whom the entire universe is an idle plaything! I get that there are things that some people can’t get over in a partner, but given I am capable of stopping the tides and fundamentally reconfigure the components of spacetime, I thought it’s the sort of thing they’d be willing to overlook!
Do you have any advice for a lonely old extradimensional eon strider like myself?
Cautiously yours,
Anon
Dear Anon,
If there’s one thing we all know about all-seeing life forces, it’s that they tend to be too focused on shaping and determining the course of all that there is in the universe. Sometimes, deities get swept up in their work and let that sneaky dame in their perfect creation get away! Here’s how you dorky gods can never let that happen again. Or you could will it so it never happens in the first place, since you likely exist in a realm beyond time.
Reeling ‘Em In
It is frequently said that women love dudes who have power, which is good luck for you since you have infinite power. All you have to do is find the right way to let women know!
– The typical meeting places between the heavens and the corporeal realm such as mountaintops, chapels, stunning pillars of light from above, etc. are old hat and should be thrown by the wayside.
– Avoid cheesy pickup lines. Immediately, in a flash of cosmic awareness, illuminate the mortal as to the infinitude of the universe, the insignificance of earthly life, and the undercurrent of heavenly love underpinning everything which exists. Or get froyo.
– Ask what her interests are. Remind her you created all of those things. In under a week.
Once She’s In
– Keep conversation light initially. What’s her favourite colour? Let her know you could create a new colour on the light spectrum just for her. It’s happened before. What does she think purple is? Does she think purple was one of the original colours? Let her know purple was just an anniversary present for your ex.
– Offer her a ride in your seventh dimension.
In The Case She Would Rather Be Alone
– Point out your anger and wrath has purged humanity in the past and it could certainly happen again. Could her prudence result in a perfect, cleansing act of god resulting in the abrupt death of billions? Who knows? Better not take that chance right?
– In the case that she would prefer to be alone, let her know your love is infinite and never ending! Her rejection means nothing in the caring heart of the lord.
– If she refuses your advances, say it was just to test her. She succeeded! Now go back to your universal presence and cry some of those good-old-fashioned energy tears.
