Comedy //

Who? Weekly: My romance with heroic martyr Harry Styles

The shocking final chapter of the Harry Styles saga!

It was in the bathrooms of the New Law building that [y/n] first met Harry Styles, then Socialist Alternative candidate for USU Board, now known to most as the courageous paladin that suicide bombed the F23 Admin Building. 

“It was like love at first sight. I walked out of that bathroom and ran straight into him. I’ll never forget it.” [Y/n] tells Who Weekly. 

What followed was a 9 month affair, a secret to everyone but [y/n] and Styles. They met in a number of campus locations — from the library, to the Anderson Stuart Courtyard, Courtyard, and Hermanns bar. [Y/n] says that although she enjoyed talking to Harry, what really had her hooked was what they got up to afterwards. “I couldn’t stop myself. He talked about Marx a lot, and Trotsky, but he would always shut up after a while, and that’s when the magic would really happen. The things he would do with his hands …” A blush creeps up [y/n]’s cheeks as she recalls the intimate happenings of their weekly meet-ups, almost all too explicit to publish. “He would **** my ******  and then *********** in my ******. He’d *********** my ******* with Mark Fisher’s Capitalist Realism, and then we would ******.” 

After a few months of saucy meet-ups and rendezvous, [y/n] experienced a shift in the way she viewed the world, and her politics as a result. “When I met Harry, I was so naive. I thought everyone was in SASS just to make friends! He really opened my eyes to the reality of campus politics.”

As [y/n] fell deeper under the spell of Styles, she began to reconsider the friendships she had first made at University. “I was friends with lots of people in SASS — Melinda, Conrad (former University of Sydney Union President Conrad Ferret) but as Harry educated me further on the teachings of Marx and Trotsky, I realised I just wasn’t compatible with those people any more” 

[Y/n] eventually joined the Women’s Collective, and became friends with what Harry described as “petit bourgeois Grassroots scum”. Harry demanded that they continue to keep their relationship a secret, and [y/n] reluctantly agreed. “Although it was hard….not being open with my friends about him. The secrecy actually made it hotter.” 

 They hit a stumbling block when Harry dropped a bombshell. “He told me he was joining Solidarity, and running for SRC president. I was shocked. I tried to reconnect with him after that happened, and then he asked me to ask Grassroots to support him for president. I couldn’t take it. This wasn’t the man I knew. We didn’t talk for a month.” In the end, Harry didn’t run for president. 

It wasn’t long until they reconnected. A traumatic event, which [y/n] is unable to disclose, brought them back to each-other. “We were in the tunnels  under the quadrangle, when I fell back into Harry’s arms again. We made love by candlelight, and when we finished we looked up, and realised where we were. We were in the weapons cache.” 

It was this experience that ultimately caused both [y/n] and Styles to further flirt with revolutionary ideology, namely Maoism. “I was interested in Maoist ideology, but Harry was really invested. His commitment to Mao Zedong thought was unparalleled.”

Harry and [y/n] resumed their dalliance, meeting almost daily in the tunnels. It wasn’t long until [y/n] realised that the store of weapons were slowly depleting. “ I asked him about it, but he avoided my questions. I felt him slowly pulling away from me, becoming more and more distant.” 

Eventually, Harry stopped returning [y/n]’s calls. “I was so worried about him. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. Then one day he called me, and told me to meet him in our usual place.” 

It was there that she heard a loud boom, and the tunnel walls began to shake. “I knew before I saw what had happened that he had done it. Harry had bombed the F23 Admin building. It wasn’t until I got closer that I realised he had blown himself up in the process, in an ultimate act of martyrdom.” 

Several weeks later, [y/n] returned to their tunnel. It was there she found a note in Harry’s handwriting, written in what looked like blood. “It was strange —- I expected it to be about Mao, but it also contained a list of minor grievances and gripes with campus operations. There was a lot that Harry was angry about.” 

Exclusive: “The Note”