Everyday tips for the loathsome masses, with Vivienne Hellegas

Business can be Hell, man! with Tim Hellman.

A local teenager’s debut YouTube video has today received its 100th view. Every single one of those views was by her mother. Edwina Ipus, 19, uploaded an acoustic guitar cover of Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ on the 5th of February, just over a month ago. Since then her mother, Joanne Caster, has viewed the video…

Not content with one novel full of undeveloped characters, a plotline yet to be refined and a flawed narrative arc, local resident Jack Price has already begun work on a second novel that he also definitely won’t finish. “The characters just strolled into my head, and I knew the exact dynamic they would have with…

Until-recently-missing ex-Herald cruciverbalist David Astle has again opted not to attend a press conference in person,  instead sending a media representative to reiterate that he is alive and well and everyone should stop asking bloody questions. At a similar event on Tuesday to announce his safe return, Astle’s representative stated unequivocally, “David is in the…

Second-year biology student Ryan Andersen has revealed he left his university’s Orientation Week with lots of condoms that he will add to his collection of condoms from years previous – none of which he has used. “The Union bags didn’t have any rubbers this year, which was a bit shit, but I wasn’t gonna let…

Archaeologists have found ancient artefacts at a digsite in Gibraltar which show that citizens of the Roman Empire regularly met for dice games at which they would roleplay as twenty-first century, middle class workers with tedious jobs and mortgages. Professor Archie Hats from the Oxford School of Archaeology spear-headed the latest excavations, and said that…

Sydney resident Darren Haningan has assured critics that the kids are going to love his planned family trip to Port Stephens next weekend. Hannigan, 43, has been working on an itinerary for the holiday since December, a month after his divorce from Bethany Smyth was finalised. Hanigan said the trip was “not just an attempt…

Cuts aren’t easy, but they are often necessary – like a violent, visceral pruning (a pruning, sometimes by secateurs, and sometimes, say, by the warm lick of a flame). But the reality is that our operation could not go on in the fashion it had for so long. Cuts, like fire, are a kind of…

Letters in love with Lynette Hutchinson