1. I am losing my virginity to a long-term girlfriend in the toilets of Zanzibar because we both misunderstood whose house we were going back to. Neither of us know what kind of tool we are supposed to use to make this safe, but we are both horny virgins so we don’t consider it to be a massive deal. We repeat this in the car one hour later with no extra safety except maybe one of us is wearing a seatbelt.
2. I am Googling one day and I find out that apparently when you put your mouth on someone’s genitals you should have plastic, even if it’s a vulva. They are called ‘dental dams’ which sounds like some kind of tool of torture. They are sold nowhere within a 50 kilometre radius of my house so that isn’t going to happen. YouTube says it’s SUPER EASY to make one out of a condom and I think that’s very typical of YouTube with its penis and maybe YouTube should try eating out with a broken condom in its mouth before it says that.
3. I am having semi-regular casual sex with strangers and my friend who is studying Pharmacy tells me that my suburb has the highest rate of gonorrhea in Sydney, but also I reject this because I misguidedly think that vulvas cannot give my mouth a disease, and dental dams feel like putting down a tarpaulin before sex in an episode of Dexter. I wonder what diseases I can get from thigh to genital contact. My pharmaceutical friend says that dental dams have been proven to be very ineffective and that gives me a further excuse not to use them. (Solid one, m8.)
4. I have sex with a penis for the first time. I have nothing to do with the safety—I consider it responsibility of the owner. I presume it works because I find no disease in the following weeks. By the way, sex with a penis is much more straightforward, which is apt, because straight people.
5. I go into Queerspace to heat up my lunch that my awesome dad made for me and I see that there are free dental dams and condoms and I think that I will come back. I come back later and the people inside giggle because I make a beeline for the sex stuff and then immediately leave. I accidently only grab condoms so it’s all been for nothing. I wonder if I’m really supposed to wear gloves while I finger people. That seems very clinical.