Comedy //

US Studies Centre establishes peaceful transition of power after resignation of Michael Spence

A spokesperson from the USSC has labelled the transition a “victory for democracy”.

SYDNEY: The United States Studies Centre (USSC) has today announced that it will appoint a provisional Vice Chancellor in the wake of Michael Spence’s shock resignation. Spence, whose 12 year reign as Vice Chancellor and Supreme God King will come to an end in December, announced that he would be seeking amnesty at the University College, London.

Earlier this morning, the University of Sydney’s (USyd) Campus Security was seen occupying the administration building while Pro Vice Chancellors and Provosts were escorted into a bus on City Road. A spokesperson from the USSC denied any allegations that force was being used and told the [paper] that today was a “victory for democracy”. “After 12 years, students at USyd can rest easy once again, knowing that the dreaded Spence regime has come to an end.” 

In recent years, the Spence regime has been besieged by internal dissent, with attempts at reform being deeply unsuccessful. These unpopular reforms, including the introduction of OLEs and the construction of useless glass buildings have been opposed by everyone from moderate rebels (Liberals) to more extremist factions (Socialist Alternative). Peaceful student protests have been crushed brutally, as Spence has increasingly empowered his brutal personal security force. 

Mr. Spence has also been accused of harbouring a whole host of terrorists and criminals, including hate preacher Bettina Arndt and notorious international arms dealer Belinda Hutchinson. 

While the crimes of the Spence regime have long been documented, the USSC failed to receive assent from the Group of 8 universities for its “university-building” project. A spokesperson from Adelaide University cited that the question of who would replace Spence was “an internal matter for USyd students” and that “any external interference may result in regional instability.” Despite these concerns, the USSC has chosen to continue unilaterally, leaving the fate of the University hanging in the balance. 

More to come. 

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