Comedy //

What does your iso-baking say about you?

Mixing baking and psychology.

Photo: iStock.

Who have you become? That’s for me to say and you to find out!

Banana bread

As the weather turns a little chilly, you whip out your Lorna Jane vest and matching ¾ leggings. Every day is a new day, and must not be wasted! Thanks to the two hour Masterclass you watched last night with one (1) glass of chardy, you are now a qualified interior designer! Tomorrow: organise a feminist knitting sesh with the gals over Zoom.  Even if you don’t have three kids and a sizable mortgage, you have three kids and a sizable mortgage. The worst part about not driving your white VW Polo home from work every day is that you miss Kate, Tim and Marty! They are so funny.The greatest thing to happen to you in the last six weeks was the Le Creuset sale at Peter’s of Kensington because you could finally get your hands on the same casserole dish that your sister-in-law has been raving about, for only 70% of what she paid for it. HA!

Sugar-free brownies

The only goal of quarantine should be for one to become, in the sage words of Snoop Dogg, “tone, tan, fit and ready”. Sugar is a government conspiracy designed to enslave us to Coca Cola and Big Pharma! Resist! Coconut sugar doesn’t count, and you will not be vaccinating yourself against COVID-19, thank you very much for asking.  The plan for next week is to tie-dye your ethically milled cotton tracksuit with plant-based dyes and the watered-down blood of Hello Fresh users, because Marley Spoon is oil reduced and clearly superior. 

Cinnamon rolls

Your self-illustrated bullet journal is up to date and your Screen Time is at an all-time low. You don’t feel guilty about indulging in a baked good, because you already have 1.5 hours of speed-walking scheduled with your childhood neighbour each evening to maintain peak cardio fitness and mental health as part of your colour-coded study timetable that will continue until the end of the Anthropocene. The act of baking cinnamon rolls is a multi-stage process, and one that requires expert dough-kneading, expert rolling of the buns and expert timing when icing. As a Dalyell scholar, you are well-placed for this task. Don’t forget to email your tutor to thank them for today’s class!

Sourdough bread

As Australians, there are four things that are crucial to our culture: the beach, the sun, mild xenophobia and sourdough. A day in isolation is in fact a lifetime on repeat, and your mood swings confirm it as such – sourdough is followed by a deep funk followed by EMAILS followed by a sprightly jog followed by left-overs for dinner. You often wonder why YOU are always the one organising catch-ups, but shake that feeling off by slapping down more spelt flour onto your table and screaming silently into the void.

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