Comedy //

Hillsong buys Scary Canary

Jesus is here to save, but he's also here to rave.

Following their purchase of Melbourne’s Festival Hall last week, Hillsong have announced plans to acquire Sydney bar Scary Canary. 

The venue will be used to instigate a new initiative by the megachurch to promote Christian-themed clubbing, or, as they have dubbed it, “Bible Bashing.” 

“We’re ecstatic to be reaching out to an entirely new demographic,” Hillsong pastor Steven Quiffhead explained. “Our ministry won’t just be for white suburbanites who buy their clothes exclusively from H&M, but also white suburbanites who buy their clothes exclusively at Tarocash.”

Along with this purchase, the church has unveiled a new lineup of weekly events to take place at the venue. ‘Wet Wednesday’ will become ‘Worship Wednesday’, ‘Make-Out Monday’ will become ‘Ministry Monday’, and ‘Fireball Friday’ will become ‘Forget our Founder’s Father Frank Houston was a paedophile Friday.’ The church plans to also add a brand new theme: ‘Tax-evading Tuesday’.

Additionally, the foam used for Canary’s famous ‘foam parties’ will now exclusively be made from holy water, and the music played will mostly consist of sermons set to ambient house beats.

Hillsong founder Brian Houston has promised that, despite these changes, the spirit of the bar will remain the same. 

“We know this purchase will be met with controversy,” Houston explained over the phone, after the unmistakable sound of a long snort. “But I know the Lord is with us, and he approves of us doing this, and he loves it, and he loves you, and he loves me, and he’s never failed us God we know you love us come on everyone lift your hands up let’s reach out to the Lord COME ON AMEN MY GOD IS SO GOOD I AM FILLED WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT I LIFT UP MY SPIRIT TO THE LORD!”

Houston proceeded to go on like this for an hour, seemingly manifesting anthemic background music out of nowhere halfway through.

Filed under: