At yesterday afternoon’s Figure Skating Society AGM, President Abigail Winters was ousted after a pack of 25 factional hacks showed up to the meeting with a mean glint in their eyes.
Winters considered it an honour though.
“This is a dream come true.” She told Honi. “It’s just like when Timothy Goebel landed three quad jumps in his 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics program: it was beautiful – beautiful yet deadly.”
Longest serving Figure Skating Society president and all-round C&S heavyweight Leon Donor-Hugh thought it was anything but an honour.
“They stacked us about as much as Gillis Grafström stacked his Olympic medal shelf. And not only is stacking at odds with the spirit of C&S, it is at odds with the very principles of figure skating: fairness, justice, and above all, a respect for your fellow ice dancer.”
Walter Sturges, the newly elected President, fiercely rejected this claim in his USU campaign launch speech.
“I love ice and I love the thrill of a triple salchow. The blood of skating runs through my veins. And so what if me and exactly the right amount of my buddies showed up to the Figure Skating Society AGM to express that love by nominating for executive positions.”
This saga is far from over thougb. Following the AGM, the society has suffered a schism, with a group of separatists called the “True Skaters” declaring the society compromised and pledging to register a rival club.
A university spokesperson warned students not to attend any ice skating adjacent campus events until the unrest had been quelled.
“All it takes is one poisoned snow cone machine, and BAM, things could get a whole lot worse.”