Comedy //

Protesters conduct Facebook photo campaign to protest anti-protest bill

An online action, one heartfelt apology and a Robal fundraiser later.

Make sure to come along to the private zoom call speak out! The only way to win is collective action!

An Apology to Vohn OBE 

Dear Vohn, 

It is with the sincerest possible regret that we rue having laid eyes upon your flag digitisation. Not because it is a messy, aesthetically-confused eye sore, not because it is migraine inducing, not because it is devoid of good taste, but because it led the paper to publish a gross factual inaccuracy of the highest order. 

We apologise unreservedly. In fact, we grovel. 

We were wrong. We do not say this lightly. We would rather look at your digitisation again than give you the impression this apology is anything but serious (and that’s saying something). 

We are we, mere editors, to insult someone’s masterwork of digitisation. It’s a hard job, we understand. Not everyone could digitise the ugliest flag known to humans. 

It is hard to understate our distress at having caused you injury.  

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

Morrisson sets the record straight on students’ omission from federal budget

In a recent interview with The End Times, Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison corrected reporting by Honi Soit which suggested students were not once mentioned in the recent federal budget.

“There’s literally a clause about the Alcohol Tax. What more do you useless cunts want.”

Cis men go to space

Last week, the Australian Space Agency (ASA) proudly announced a new initiative, “Cis Men in Space”, which aims to provide space for cis men which does not disrupt the space of people they oppress. 

“We are so proud to finally be addressing the issue space exploration never has: cis men and their disruption of women’s spaces”.

The End Times has confirmed with the ASA that the budget for the extra expeditions will come out of the philanthropic equity fund.

Uni bus shelters restored, with new sustainable advert system

The bus shelters which border campus have been restored after months of being missing. After being knocked down, sent to landfill, and new bus shelters constructed, a company spokesperson has confirmed that the advert slots will no longer be paper. Instead, they have been replaced with a 24/7 electronic poster system, signalling a promising shift in their eco-consciousness. 

Greens host caschmoodle campaign launch for the federal seat of Robal

Greens candidate for the seat of Robal, Mx Sneerg, recently hosted a campaign launch fundraiser, which raised money through a doggo raffle for a $15,000 purebred caschmoodle. As well as the raffle, up for auction was a print by Naarm based maker-creator Banj O-Pläer of Bob Brown’s left bum cheek (no hole).

“By representing Bob’s brown, we represent a new generation of Greens getting involved in the political movement. A little left of Bob, but never straying too far.”