TW: strong mention of mental health struggles
Why is there so much focus on the birth and nothing about what happens after?
This is what Ariane Beeston, a psychologist, writer, dancer, and former Department of Community and Justice Services (DoCs) worker — now known as the Department of Communities and Justice (DCJ) — asks in one of her poems Because I’m Not Myself, You See (2024). Her debut memoir follows her life from cases she worked at DoCs in Sydney, through to the birth of her son, Henry – her struggle with Postpartum Psychosis, specifically as a registered psychologist, and her journey to rebuild her life with the support of her husband, therapy, and medication. In doing so, Beeston offers us an unwavering look into the truth of motherhood, not shying away from the details, no matter how intimate.
Postpartum psychosis is an often forgotten and neglected risk of pregnancy that occurs statistically just over 2 times in 1000 pregnancies. Because I’m Not Myself, You See shines a spotlight on the truth of the matter through Beeston’s personal experiences, and that of others in her life also affected by the epidemic. She interweaves these first-hand experiences and scientific facts with beautiful prose, and references to familiar literature. It’s accessible and uncomplicated, with creative writing through the form of poetry incorporated accompanying her journey, alongside the science. For a memoir with such a heavy subject, Beeston approaches it with kindness and candidness, as well as necessary humour without sugarcoating the truth of Postpartum Psychosis.
Although Postpartum psychosis is considered to be rare, the potential impacts are staggering specifically high rates of Maternal suicide. Going into this memoir, I had an understanding of Postpartum depression, but I had no idea about Postpartum psychosis. I had heard news stories of infanticide and families affected by maternal health issues, but I never looked at the cause. After finishing it, I was shocked not only by the lack of support Australia currently has for mothers but at how quiet the discussion around Postpartum Psychosis has been so far.
As a mental health professional, it can be so much harder to reach out when you are supposed to be the one fixing people and battling your own internalised stigma. Beeston doesn’t shy away from the truth about recovery: it is not always linear. Beeston’s experience as a DoC’s worker lingers long after she gives birth to Henry. She becomes obsessed with his nappy rash, and cannot shake the idea that he will be taken from her due to it. She fears that this is some type of karma for her work in the System. Beeston reminds us of the importance of professionals being looked after, and not just doing the looking after. They are not exempt from mental health issues.
As someone who witnessed the system’s workings up close, Beeston critiques it as a worker and a patient accessing it. She takes the reader through one of Sydney’s only mother-and-baby psychiatric facilities and shares stories of other women who may not have been able to speak for themselves. Beeston speaks of Emily, Melissa, and Rebecca, three mothers who she meets who struggle with similar issues to tell the reader that there are many more experiences than one may think and that they are not alone. In particular, Beeston addresses the mothers who are struggling, telling them that they shouldn’t have to be superheroes all the time, that accessing support is important, and that it will not make them any less of a mother, or a person.
Beeston’s memoir is doing the hard work so desperately needed in our society. Ultimately, it is heartbreakingly beautiful, offering valuable insights into how Australian mothers are struggling under a system that is failing them. This memoir is a must-read for anyone and everyone who wants to help break away from stigma and for those looking to learn how they can better support the mothers in their lives.
As of May 2023, there are only 13 Mother and Baby Units, with 83 beds in total available. Up until 2022, there were no Mother and Baby Units in NSW at all, now there are two with 8 beds available at each, but that is still not enough. Our mothers need support, and they have for quite some time now.
Ariane Beeston is asking us to finally listen.
Because I’m Not Myself, You See (2024) is available in bookstores across Australia from today.
