In Dante’s Inferno there are nine circles of hell. In the deepest circle, Satan resides. This final level is reserved for traitors, betrayers, and oathbreakers. I imagine Barrison Hennan here, forced for eternity to eat nothing but Iced VoVo-flavoured hot cross buns (Barrison Hennan failed to attend the hot cross bun ranking day).
On the weekend, I wrangled some friends to attend a thrice-postponed hot cross bun ranking day. Inspired by Nicholas Jordan’s Taste Test series in The Guardian, we sat down to put supermarket hot cross buns to the test.
We first discussed what feelings eating a hot cross bun should evoke. One reviewer said she wanted it to feel like a primary school lesson, where instead of doing maths, we were rewarded with Easter Bunny colouring sheets. Another focused on how the cross represents the crucifixion and expressed how hot cross buns evoke feelings in him of Catholic guilt, shame, and self-loathing. It was at this point that we discovered this reviewer actually doesn’t like hot cross buns at all.
With these complex feelings in mind, we decided on three categories on which to compare the buns. We were not after the classic or traditional fruit and spice bun. Instead, we ranked the buns on originality, taste, and ‘Easterosity’. A final disclaimer: I am vegan and could only eat two of the six buns, the following reviews are based on what the taste testers told me to relay to you.
The Ranking: From Worst to Best
Iced VoVo buns (Coles)
This bun should have stayed as an idea. It had a gloopy, stocky texture and lingering coconut flakes. It was so solid that one reviewer questioned if it was put under a hydraulic press, and had both a colour and flavour that another described as “ostentatiously, poke-my-eyes-out pink”. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. 3/10.
Apple & Cinnamon (Woolworths)
With a flavour profile similar to cardboard, this bun was “dry”, “unremarkable”, and “uninspiring”. There was not enough cinnamon and too much apple skin. Despite being the most normal novelty bun, it did not evoke feelings of Easter time joy and instead is better suited for Halloween or even Christmas. 5/10.
Caramilk buns (Woolworths)
“Too corporate for Easter” and “simultaneously too caramilky and not caramilky enough”. If you want an Easter treat, get a caramilk egg instead. The idea was solid, but the chocolate execution could have been more sophisticated. It was very sweet and none of the reviewers wanted to eat a whole bun. 6/10.
Biscoff buns (Woolworths)
This was an honest bun. Unlike the caramilk version, it met the brief and delivered exactly as promised. One reviewer summed it up perfectly: “this tastes like biscoff so it is good”. It was lacking, however, in originality: “Why is everything Biscoff?” The answer to that is because Biscoff is a vegan delight! Bonus points for veganism! A solid 7/10.
Wagon Wheel buns (Coles)
A whimsical bun, while that “lacking in the ‘mallow, hits with the jam.” This bun was unlike anything we had tasted before and inspired some of the most peculiar comments of the day, including “this bun understands compromise, it’s nuanced” and similarly, “festive without being obnoxious, it is restrained.” While not really a wagon wheel at all, this bun was beloved and rated a whopping 8/10.
Vegemite & Cheese buns (Coles)
“I would not give these up for lent.” This bun topped the ranks. The savoury twist was very much appreciated, even though the flavour had only “undertones of vegemite”. Give me more — more cheese, more vegemite, butter advised. One reviewer fantasised about making a Vegemite and cheese hot cross bun toastie. The entire bag was eaten. 9 out of 10.
As Christ forgave us, I forgive Barrison Hennan.
