The music industry is littered with conspiracy and secrets, blurred lines of fact and fiction interwoven with scandals, white lighters, and lyrical mysteries.
There are some who believe that Tupac is hiding out on a private island, or that JLo can’t actually sing, or that Gracie Abrams makes good music. But today, I present to you a theory so solid, you’ll have no choice but to believe my words when you hear them. Take my hand, dear reader. I am here to tell you why I believe Kylie Minogue never actually died.
We all know where we were when the news broke two years ago that Kylie Minogue, legend of the music stage and TV screen, queen of the gays and crown jewel of Australia, was announced dead. Whilst many believe that Queen Kylie fatally died after fatally dying from crowd-crush in a crowd of thirsty middle-aged homosexuals in 2023, the truth is that she never actually fatally died from crowd-crush from the crowd of thirsty middle-aged homosexuals.
I know we all think she’s Spinnin’ Around in her grave, but I believe that Kylie Minogue is still alive.
How? Let’s look at the evidence.
First of all, let’s turn to the other princess of Australia, Nicole Kidman. As we all know, in the mid ‘80s, Kidman and Minogue, with their physical resemblance and parallel talent levels, took a Norwegian blood pact to consolidate their fame potential and Aryan bone structures for all of eternity. After the ritual, involving the sacrifice of a virginal Italian and singing of a happy little ditty, their propensity for critical acclaim soared, but with a cost: if one is in the headlines, the other cannot be.
When one rises to power, the other plummets. When Minogue releases an album, Kidman takes a few months off filming. Whilst she’s always been an international film darling, it is no coincidence that Kidman’s fame has exponentially surged since Minogue’s untimely (alleged) passing. There would be no Babygirl or Netflix original movies with Zac Efron if Minogue didn’t mysteriously pass away, channeling all of their symbiotic star power into the last remaining soul of the blood pact. Perhaps, sick of the rat race of skirting international charts and never quite piercing The One position, Minogue sacrificed the allure of ‘alive celebrity’ and decided to transmute the rest of their communal prestige into Kidman’s vessel.
Secondly, her sister, Danni Minogue, has been unexpectedly removed from the public eye since… well, okay, Danni was never the star of the family and no one really cares about her, so this hasn’t changed much.
Lastly, the hologram from Kylie Minogue’s 2025 Tension tour looked exactly like Kylie Minogue. While a hologram tour is not unprecedented (see ABBA’s Voyage tour, which was literally a hologram tour but not international? Why can’t I sing Dancing Queen in Australia with ABBA holograms, you cowardly Swedish nincompoops!), it was slightly confusing and arguably distasteful for the Minogue estate to move forward with their 2025 Tension world tour as a tribute hologram show. Many fans who attended, however, claimed that the movements of the hologram were more akin to that of an overly-articulated animatronic. It was so unnerving that many a fan Can’t Get You Out of my Head — you, of course, being the terrifyingly life-like and unexpectedly short-statured Minogue who frolicked and strutted around on stage. Is this because it wasn’t an animatronic, but Minogue herself, who committed to her tragic plight and then regretted it?
Why would she do this? If she was faking her death to escape the spotlight, then why would she return in such an intimate manner that would blow her cover? I don’t believe Minogue intended to return to the stage. No, I believe Kylie intended to follow through with her escape from the world of celebrity and international queer notoriety, perhaps meet a mysterious stranger in the Bahamas and fall in Love at First Sight, a man who treats her like an Aphrodite, who’ll make her Come… into my World. And yet, somewhere deep down, she knew her heart belonged on the stage.
I believe Kylie Minogue, with purest intent, went out in a blaze of homosexual glory, intending to ride the high of mega music stardom and minor TV soap fame for the rest of her anonymous life, and then realised her heart belongs on stage. Out of All the Lovers, her true love is performance. But we all knew this.
Kylie, if you’re reading this, come back. I know it may seem fickle and embarrassing to own up to your long con, but Your Disco Needs You, and whilst you’ve Got to Be Certain it’s the right decision, I think you’d be greeted with nothing less than a Celebration.
If you did actually die, sorry!
