Hi there. How are you feeling today? What’s going on with you? Everything okay?
In the best of times and in the worst of times, therapy can be vital for coping and recovering. There is nothing wrong with needing someone to talk to or to have someone help work through your issues or fears. I go to therapy. And although it makes me cringe, I know deep down that I am getting better through it. There is not an issue with therapy. But there are issues in making therapy into a religion, a dogmatic faith that is espoused as the be-all and end-all for recovery and mental health. The reality is that therapy is like a map, not the destination. Your therapist is not your Messiah, and this mindset is detrimental not only to yourself but to your very ‘saviour’.
Therapy is the means to an end, not the end itself. This is not to say that once you are ‘cured’ you should abandon therapy; it is to say that the goal of therapy is to learn how to overcome or cope with your emotions and life and not to be consumed in them. For many, it can feel like the one time someone sees them or listens to what they have to say. As such, it can feel as though therapy is your one place where you can take the mask off and breathe. This is good in the short term, but you will not be in your therapist’s office forever. Learning to find comfort and peace beyond that room is just as important, if not more so.
In her memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died, Jennette McCurdy goes into excruciating detail about her experiences with therapy. Unpacking a lifetime of abuse and exploitation is a painful process that she, understandably, wants to avoid discussing. Eventually, she learns to open up, first in her therapists’ offices and then in the real world, working through her trauma and experiences. Therapy is a gradual process, not a miracle solution, and McCurdy’s experiences put this on display. She appreciates the presence of a supportive person in working through her pain, however, she also realises the importance of autonomy and a sense of self beyond therapy, something she was not afforded as a child star.
Therapy can be a key part in becoming a more autonomous person and in finding a sense of self and purpose, however, it alone cannot do this. It is one part of a network of experiences and actions that contribute to bettering your mental health or healing. This applies to everything from phobias to depression. Relying on only one action or one person will not help you. Building a support network, whether it be of friends and family, helplines or help groups, is a key part of therapy which ensures that there is always at least one avenue of support when you need it.
Putting the crown of thorns on your therapist, making them your one and only saviour, is not only to your detriment, it’s also to theirs. Those in the mental healthcare sector are often overworked and underpaid, and not properly supported by their employers and the government. They are humans just as we are, meaning that just as we all have periods of struggle, they do too. Putting the label of the Messiah on them is a big responsibility. Making anyone that person is an immense weight to carry. If they do not live up to the expectations of a Messiah, then what happens? Have they done a bad job? Most likely not. But the weight of potentially being the only place for an individual to find some safety and support is a big responsibility, one that they willingly take. However, this does not mean that they will be a completely perfect well of knowledge and guidance.
In an interview with The Atlantic in 2024, Richard Friedman — a professor of clinical psychiatry — addressed a statement he made earlier that year, saying that many people could quit therapy. He says that a therapist is like a personal trainer, and for the majority of people in therapy, their job is to become their own personal trainer: “it’s designed to give you something: self-understanding, better relationships… And then you can generalise it and take it out, meaning I thought of therapy as you become your own trainer, in effect.” This doesn’t apply to everyone, Friedman remarks, but it does apply to many people who see therapy as ingrained and permanent in their life, when in reality, they can learn to internalise the lessons they learnt and move on.
Therapy is not a religion, it is not a total way of life. It is a place to learn and grow to eventually live without it. The Sufi poet Rumi once said that “the wound is the place where the Light enters you” and healing that wound is not easy, but therapy can be one strand in a complex tapestry of healing. Everyone is entitled to seek out therapy but it is not the be-all and end-all. Your therapist is not your Messiah. No one can grant you total salvation, but they can offer you a path forward.
I’m so glad we had that talk. I’ll see you next time.
