An inquiry is imminent into the security practices of the Australian Defence Force (ADF) after this year’s ANZAC Day commemorations at Gallipoli were infiltrated by two radical Muslim insurgents dressed as, respectively, the front and back halves of a horse.
Staff Sergeant Erica Daniels of the 13th Brigade, who rode the two insurgents in the commemorative procession, told the Garter she was ‘shaken, but not embarrassed.’ An ADF spokesperson said that although the insurgents’ very convincing ‘clipclop-clipclop’ noises could be picked from the actual sound of horses’ hooves by a trained expert, “there was a lot of bugling going on, and the 10th Light Horse Regiment now operates Land Rover Regional Surveillance vehicles. We definitely wouldn’t confuse two terrorists in a Land Rover suit for one of those.”
The two horse occupants are known to have links with Wahabist extremist groups. They were allegedly armed, but decided not to carry out a terrorist act releasing the following statement: “We intended to strike at the heart of Western militaristic arrogance in the Middle East, but instead of a display of triumphalist ahistorical nationalist celebration, the entire event was a humble reflection on the essential tragedy of conflict, an acknowledgement that current prosperity is not based on the deaths of soldiers but on years of peaceful cooperation, and all present agreed not to shallowly lionize the callous waste of young lives for political gain. We were so moved by the sympathy for Turkish, Australian and New Zealand victims of war that we renounced our violent aims. Also it was hot in the suit”.
The Garter Press has been told that the act of insurgency was part of a broader international strategy, as ISIS agents have been found disguised as a New Year Dragon, a very tall person in an double-width overcoat, and an enormous wooden hobby horse outside the gates of Troy. The insurgents, armed with guns that shoot bang flags and skilled at ventriloquism, reportedly refused to speak under interrogation, except when they were allowed to project their voice around the corner.
“I have no idea how they do that”, said one CIA Black-Ops Disclosure Expert, “but we do know they have further plans targeting adult movie theatres, 60s villains’ lairs, and parties they weren’t invited to.”