Mining Multinational to Drill for Human Resources

Mining Heavyweights Omnibore have made waves in the minerals sector this week with their promise to bolster third quarter profits by exploring for and then drilling their own human resources. CEO Bart Glottis has described the strategy as “a more efficient way of approaching questions of labour and its management in accordance with the economies of scale already enjoyed by a massive multinational.”

Omnibore scientists last week made the discovery that the raw components of a human being, forged together under tremendous pressure and exposed to enormous heat, produce a sentient form capable of work that is at least 60% as efficient as a normal human.

If Omnibore was to successfully produce its own human resource products, cutting out the role of fertile mothers in the minerals sector, the move would, is estimated, cut labour costs across the operation almost entirely.

“Because the new half-men would be considered mineral exports, and only filthy almost-conduits for human sentience,” says Glottis, “They would not be regulated according to pre-existing legal infrastructure and could not form flesh unions.”

But the beings are not so far from normal folks as the inability to unionise might suggest. Glottis continues, “The creatures will certainly feel pain, but because they are classed differently, they will never enjoy the advantages afforded our other employees like sick leave, penalty rates, or the joy of a single moment’s leisure or happiness.”

Gargantubore has predicted that within fifty years, even its CEO will be executed and replaced by a humanoid-heavy metal composite.

Glottis laughed off the assertion at press time today, declaring “by the time that day comes, I expect we will have conclusively exhausted the human search for purpose, and I will welcome the cold hand of my fresh-tilled, deep-earth grave. May we all be buried, and may the next generation of leaders be dug up.”