How To Do it Properly

Steph Brown worked under covers.

Steph Brown worked under covers.

In 2014 I spent a year working as a receptionist at a Southeast Asian hostel, an experience that taught me innumerable new life skills, such as how to treat tropical skin infections and how to placate the local authorities in the event of a noise complaint (spoiler alert: you bribe them). The most important lesson, however, was the art of a good hostel shag.

The ideal hostel hookup is like a casino heist movie. It should be a) well planned, b) thrilling and c) end with you and George Clooney thoughtfully smoking cigars in front of a fountain before going your separate ways.

Step 1. Reconnaissanceor ‘casing the joint’:

Casing the joint is a simple process of going into a room and thinking, “Could I have sex here without injuring myself or pissing someone off?”

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE SEX IN YOUR DORM ROOM. There is no more jarring reminder of how alone you are than another person having ball slappy sex in the bunk below you while you spoon your doona and remember all the reasons why your ex dumped you.

Step 2. Assembling your team:

Choosing a good team(mate) is crucial. You need to be able to say “they totally rocked my world, this was 100% a great idea”. In a pinch, “they filled the gaping void of loneliness in my soul that would otherwise have been filled with a night of sad masturbating to porn on my iPhone in the communal toilets” will do.

Step 3. Pulling off the heist:

Use protection. Try not to break anything or get caught.

Step 4. Aftermath:

Have you ever seen a heist movie that ends with a long boring ebb into middle age as the team grow old together on their quiet suburban cul-de-sac, swapping apple pie recipes and bickering over whose responsibility it is to paint their side of the fence? No? Me neither.

So when you run into each other in a state of deathly hangover the next morning, clutching your complimentary orange juice and scrambled eggs on toast, remember that Oceans 12 and 13 were nowhere near as good and move on. Skip the country for fairer climes.

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