The USU Hunger Games was established when the University opened in 1850 as a reminder to all students that as long as their fees remain paid, the University could not care less about their individual well-being.
USYD rid the campus of all tote-bag, iced vanilla latte-holding students, and transformed the campus into the new hunting ground for all those willing (or not) to prove their mettle. The world-famous Quadrangle was chosen to represent the Cornucopia in the Games, so for all those who pass through the campus to take photos of our beloved Quadrangle, be careful to filter out the blood-stained grass in the background.
DISTRICT 2: BUSINESS SOC
TRIBUTES: CHAD AND BRAD
It quickly became evident to all the Game-Makers on the USU Hunger Games Board that the patagonia-vested business society was the team to beat in this year’s games. Representatives, Chad and Brad (who would like you to know that they invest in cryptocurrency, and to shoot them a message if you would like to know more about it), spoke about how they intend on exploiting the capitalist nature of the USU structure. To quote the self-proclaimed “finance bro” Chad: “if I can get the prize money from this year’s games, this could place me in a fiscally advantageous position — it is the only obstacle that stands between me and financial freedom.”
There is no doubt that the business society were off to a strong start (#onthegrind), making an important alliance with the Robotics society that landed them 3 kills in the early stages of the Games.
However, this progress was thrown into disrepair half-way through The Games when an announcement that a premium viewing of The Wolf of Wall Street would be playing at the Cornucopia. This was a trap, and when it was revealed that Barbie was playing instead, the pair were simultaneously heard stating “I’m going to tell my father about this… he works at Goldman Sachs you know?”.
DISTRICT 5: TAYLOR SWIFT SOCIETY (USYD’S VERSION)
TRIBUTES: BETTY AND JAMES
Call them masterminds because very early on James and Betty were broadcast live to the nation murmuring “This is why we can’t have nice things” over the corpses of the two Minecraft Society members who made the (arguably sexist) comment that “Taylor Swift Only Writes Songs About her Ex-Boyfriends”. While it was slightly harsh, the two reconciled that the fact that because Taylor Swift wore black the last 2 times she was seen out and about, it definitely means that Reputation is out next, and that by the logic it is the type of Karma that Blondie would have endorsed anyway (#lookwhatyoumademedo).
Unfortunately for the pair, the USU Hunger Games fell upon the same date as the sale of tickets for the Era’s Tour Sydney. Upon realising they didn’t get tickets, James and Betty suffered what could only be described as a psychotic breakdown. This made them vulnerable to an attack by the Goon Society who had noticed that the pair had entered their “Evermore era” which just so happened to coincide with the purchasing of copious amounts of red wine.
DISTRICT 6: BOOK SOCIETY
TRIBUTES: ORWELL AND WOOLF
Orwell and Woolf are the shining, star-crossed lovers from the Book Society. As soon as the pair entered the arena they were flooded with sponsorships. Unfortunately, these mainly came in the form of books from fans who wanted to capture some live commentary from the tributes.
“If you are going to send us books… Can you at least make them good? I am sick of this Colleen Hoover bullshit” Woolf shouted.
Orwell and Woolf were found for the majority of the Games in a cloud of purple jacaranda blossoms reading their terrible books, comfortably and without disturbance. On the eighth night of the Games Orwell caught sight of Hope and Joy from Random Act of Kindness society. The pair were skipping hand and hand towards them, loudly singing Pharrel William’s hit track “Happy”.
“There are many things… but Hope and Joy are definitely not discrete” said Orwell under his breath.
Hope and Joy began pulling Jacaranda branches off the tree in an attempt to craft a beautiful bouquet for a boy in their Criminal Law class that they had never spoken to but seemed stressed. However, as the pair continued to collect their gifts, Joy pulled a particular branch quite hard, sending Orwell and Woolf toppling from their perches, 4 metres to their demise.
DISTRICT 7: MINECRAFT SOCIETY
TRIBUTES: STEVE AND ALEX
Steve and Alex enter the Games with a great deal of confidence, utterly convinced that their entire lives have been spent preparing them for this moment. Ready to craft, mine and build their way to victory, they land in the Arena expecting to find diamond pickaxes, redstone and diamond armour. Instead they find swords, daggers and medicine. Their allies from WASABI give them a spare box of sushi to keep them alive, which confuses them for a long time because there’s no sushi in Minecraft.
However, the tributes rapidly find that fashioning tools out of wood is a lot harder than they thought. Without redstone to set traps — and really, who doesn’t use redstone these days — They’re left scratching their heads for ideas. Several attempt to carve a pickaxe out of a gumtree, which ends with lots of splinters in hands. Blood, sweat and tears are shed, but no pickaxes are made. The Duke of Ed tributes notice that they’re not going anywhere and eliminates both of them immediately. Steve and Alex are the first tributes to die in the Arena.
DISTRICT 10: ITALIAN SOCIETY
TRIBUTES: GIUSEPPE AND MATTEO
Always clad in tasteful slacks, moccasins or silk blouses paired with elegant Armani sunglasses, Giuseppe and Matteo from the Italian Society didn’t break a sweat as they strolled towards the Cornucopia to flirt with the tributes from the Fashion and Beauty Society. Packages of perfume sailed down from above, Giuseppe offered a bottle of Chanel N°5 to Stephanie, but to his shock she declined it.
“I’m already wearing Dior,” Stephanie sniffed, “and I never clash scents.”
Jessica and Stephanie gasped in sync, “Ew… as if!” and strutted away.
Clutching their hearts, the Italian Society tributes fell to their knees. “Mamma mia, Giuseppe, I feel like I’ve just been stabbed,” Matteo moaned.
“So do I,” Giuseppe said. He looked down on his chest and noticed it was red. “Hang on, Matteo…”
“God, please give me a pizza,” Giuseppe prayed to the sky. Matteo and Giuseppe both gasped as a pizza fell from the sky, only to find it was the chicken, avocado, cranberry and brie pizza.
“NOOOOO!” Matteo wailed. “Not avocado on pizza! I haven’t even died yet and I’m already rolling in my grave!” With that, Matteo promptly passed away due to grief.
Giuseppe shook his head bitterly. “You had one job,” he said, looking up at the sky. “And you chose the one pizza that had avocado,” he said, his voice dripping with scorn. With that, he picked up the pizza box and threw it as hard as he could muster.
DISTRICT 8: FASHION AND BEAUTY SOCIETY
TRIBUTES: STEPHANIE AND JESSICA
Stephanie and Jessica have taken the arena by storm this year, showing the entire University campus that you can sport a Matilda Djerf inspired coastal grand-daughter aesthetic while simultaneously kicking ass. Don’t let their hustle to the clean-girl aesthetic fool you, these badass blondes are far from dumb and have their Honours thesis’ to prove it. While the Italian Society would like everyone to believe that Stephaine and Jessica are head over heels, it seems that the two got “the ick” and are now entering “hot girl summer”.
The Fashion Society set their targets on the Minecraft society, who were both sporting matching creeper jackets (‘that zipped all the way up’) and a pair of practical slip-on, chequered vans.
“What are we in… 2013?!” gasped Jessica
“Yeah, death would like totally be a better option for them,” replied Stephanie.
Unfortunately the pair’s plans were spoiled, as upon arriving at the scene Stephanie and Jessica witnessed the Duke of Ed Society slaughter Steve and Alex. It was actually, like seriously sad, RIP.
Jessica began sprinting at Bear and Grills, using her chunky sole loafer to inflict blunt force trauma on the pair. Two canon’s echoed throughout the arena. It was shocking, it was captivating, it was totally instagrammable.
After wiping the blood off her frilly white sock, Jessica grabbed Stephanie’s hand and dragged her towards the Cornucopia. At the entrance of the Great Hall they stumbled across Chad and Brad crying in each other’s arms.
“Wow, bro, I didn’t understand the perennial struggles of girlhood” whispered Chad, wiping a tear from Brad’s eye.
DISTRICT 11: RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS SOCIETY
TRIBUTES: HOPE AND JOY
The sweethearts of the USU Hunger Games, Joy and Hope from the Random Acts of Kindness Society have built up a lot of good rapport prior to their entrance into the Games this year. This no doubt places them in good stead in the eyes of any potential sponsors.
On the other hand, the strong moral compass of the tributes makes any chance of them winning seem dubious as they constantly put others’ needs before their own.
While completely unintentional, Joy and Hope did secure their first kill over their allies the book society. While this was great for their stats, it did lead to the pair to suffer an identity crisis that was irreparable in light of their “murderer” status.
DISTRICT 12: GOON APPRECIATION SOCIETY
TRIBUTES: DAN AND MURPHY
It’s a miracle that these two tributes even made it into the arena, especially considering “the absolute rager” that occurred at St John’s College the night before which left the pair splayed out on a random Newtown neighbours lawn into the early hours of the morning. Nevertheless, both Dan and Murphy did arrive, and they did so “prepared” with vests tied together withGoon Bags.
“They said that we couldn’t bring anything in except our clothes.. But they said nothing about GOON CLOTHES” Dan and Murphy shouted, high-fiving each other in solidarity.
On the first night, Dan and Murphy drank the entire 12 litres of cheap wine out of their GOON VESTS. Dan and Murphy have developed such a tolerance for GOON that they were mostly unphased, and quickly departed to “pay a visit” to Betty and James from the Taylor Swift Society’s (USYD) who were rumoured to have a good stash of GOON.
Without even batting an eyelid, Dan and Murphy slaughtered James and Betty in cold blood, mere obstacles to the attainment of that good good, yummy yummy, grape juice.
However, James and Betty were not drinking GOON, but premium, organic wine from the delicate grape branches of Tuscany. Upon this realisation, Dan and Murphy spat out their wine in a fan of red colour and began gagging.
“This is disgusting! What is this crap?! You can barely taste the bargain that is a 4L cask for $10” spluttered Dan in protest.
Despite the initial shock, the pair decided that James and Betty’s premium, organic wine ought not to go to waste. It was not long before Dan and Murphy began on their intoxicated rampage to remove all the “chumps” from the Games, ultimately ending in the killing of 6 society members.
DISTRICT 1: WASABI CLUB
TRIBUTES: SUKI AND SATORU
Before the tributes took their first step into the Arena, they were instantly bombarded with boxes of sushi sent from their vast network of adoring sponsors. They gave away some of their donations to the Minecraft society because they had so many they didn’t really need all this stuff, and Suki wondered aloud if someone could possibly donate a kettle so that she could make matcha. Instantly, a kettle sailed down from above, and so did matcha milk tea from Gong Cha. Suki did finger hearts.
Although the WASABI tributes seemed at first quite peaceful and friendly, especially to their alliance with the Philosophy Society and the Minecraft Society, their placid demeanour only extended so far. Deep down, the WASABI tributes knew they were here to win. They had the ambition, the cutthroat attitude, and the sparkling exterior to fool anyone naive enough to believe that they were only there to have a good time.
DISTRICT 3: ROBOTICS SOCIETY
TRIBUTES: WALL-E AND EVE
Wall-E and Eve were inexperienced in the art of fighting for their lives, but luckily they had plenty of experience with making robots. Their strategy was to try and win the Games not by physically fighting everyone else, but by making a killer robot that did it for them. They dubbed their creation ‘The USU Terminator.’ Unfortunately, the Terminator was having technical issues. While Wall-E and Eve were trying to work it out, the robot was rapidly overheating and beeping even louder and more erratically.
This attracted the attention of the Goon Appreciation Society, who were so frustrated by all the noises that Dan used a wine glass that he’d brought, broke it in half with his bare hands, pushed the Robotics tributes aside and stabbed the jagged glass pieces into the machine over and over again. Murphy helped him out by punching it. Eventually the USU Terminator’s beeping stuttered out, and Dan sensed an opportunity, so he and Murphy attacked Wall-E and Eve with their wine glasses and fists. Neither Wall-E nor Eve had any physical strength, so it wasn’t very difficult to kill them off.
DISTRICT 4: DUKE OF ED SOCIETY
TRIBUTES: BEAR AND GRILLS
Bear and Grills didn’t just feel confident when they stepped into the Arena; they felt victorious. More than any other Society, they had the most useful skills and strengths to help them win the Hunger Games, and they knew they’d be unstoppable. They wore army clothes that could easily blend in with the foliage, and the hiking boots that they were wearing were perfect for the rugged terrain of Eastern Avenue. While they looted the Cornucopia, they spotted the Italian Society tributes slinking away with their shoulders slumped in defeat, and Bear and Grills knew that they could catch them off-guard. They tailed Giuseppe and Matteo until they’d gotten to the secluded area behind the tennis courts and knocked them out so quickly that they hardly felt a thing.
However, Jessica and Stephanie from the Fashion and Beauty Society had followed Bear and Grills themselves, and were furious to find that they had killed Giuseppe and Matteo — because even though they weren’t really into them, that didn’t mean anyone else could kill them! So Stephanie and Jessica killed Bear and Grills in their sleep, and took all their survival gear for good measure.
DISTRICT 9: PHILOSOPHY SOCIETY
TRIBUTES: JEAN-JAQUES AND ARISTOTLE
Jean-Jaques and Aristotle knew that they were morally superior to everyone else in the Arena, so they were probably going to win by sheer force of intellect.
“Steve, what’s your view on Plato’s theory that truth is a substantive property of statements?” Aristotle asked, stroking his chin.
“Uh, what?” Steve responded. “Is Plato that old French guy?”
Aristotle puffed up angrily. “I beg your pardon, Plato is the foremost innovator of written dialogue! His theories on forms, truth and metaphysics are some of the most scintillating written works ever produced!”
Aristotle was spitting with anger, and hoarse from shouting. This attracted the attention of the Taylor Swift Appreciation Society. Betty grabbed a bow and arrow from the Cornucopia and aimed it at Aristotle, shooting him straight in the heart. “I’ve been the archer, and you’ve been the prey,” she sang. She then shot Jean-Jaques, while singing “Who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay?”
Jean-Jaques lay back on the grass and sighed heavily. “It’s a good thing I wrote my Manifesto on the Nature of Living Things before we got here,” he said, pulling out a book from his jacket. “Like those philosophers who came before us, we have been thwarted, but our wise words shall live on in the hearts of those to follow.”
The Philosophy tributes were the first to die in the Arena. Jean-Jaques’ manifesto sold two copies in the first six months it was published before it went out of print for good.