“I’ve got a text!” said Jessie Fuchs*, who woke up at 6 am to view her HSC marks and spent 3 hours obsessing over the ATAR calculator before receiving her ATAR at 9 am.
Well, it’s about time we had the “talk”… about the size of your ATAR. It’s sexy to talk numbers. And the ATAR is the one number to rule them all.
While Victorians received their results on the 11th of December, trusted sources informed Honi that the 14th of December was not the original date for the HSC/ATAR reveal.
The reason for this date-shift? Sources reveal NESA was pressured by Swifties to move the date from the 13th to avoid scheduling conflicts with Taylor Swift’s birthday, and the many discounted pub nights.
Honi received photo proof of protestors standing outside NESA’s headquarters on Clarence Street with friendship bracelets spelling, “You’re losing me”, “Death by a thousand paper cuts’’ and “Look what you made me do”. One student was also spotted carrying a Julian calendar with a large X across the 347th, complete with the caption, “This is my Roman Empire”.
Unfortunately, Honi could not obtain one comment from these disillusioned students as pundits sabotaged the demonstration to declare that an official announcement of Reputation (Taylor’s Version) is imminent.
“Your ATAR is just another number you encounter in your life”, said Janice Dux, who secured a 99.95 ATAR, scaled up her grade’s rank (thank Dux!) and was offered early entry into the Bachelor of Post-post-Modernist Critical Thinking/Commerce.
She briefly flirted with a Pretension/Law combo, but declined after learning her ex-in-situationship Warner was also applying.
Jean-Jacques, studying Politics and International Relations – as two separate majors – said that the “taille of his ATAR” did not cross his mind once and that “it was not worth thinking about extensively”.
When fact-checking, Honi found that Jean-Jacques was an IB student and that his IB score had to be converted into an ATAR to be admitted into university.
The day before doomsday, Strangelove*, majoring in Biology and Chemistry, was caught reliving his HSC year (2020) by watching ATAR reactions on Youtube and UAC’s Instagram live. Strangelove* “tallied up school mutuals who joined the live” and was kicked out for bombarding the comments with, “UAC: how I learned to stop worrying and love the ATAR”.
Honi also filled out a Student Enquiry form asking for a definitive statement on “whether size does matter”, and a clarification on admission and employability.
They responded, “We are too engorged right now with finishing other inquiries, especially after the lights went down because the new Honi editors decked the halls of the SRC office with Christmas lights and mistletoe. We suggest you call the Student Centre at another time”.
I think they meant “engaged”, but we called back, only to listen to a never-ending Centrelink instrumental.
“Your ATAR is the main pathway into tertiary education and of course, a tangible future. Yet we do not caution against other pathways, as long as the economy remains healthy and active”, stated the Minister of Doublespeak via email.
“Size does dictate everything. Look at your Big W, big pharma, BDE, bigotry etc”.
A teacher spoke to Honi anonymously, arguing that “it’s a total mindfuck to push students to burnout and also say, ultimately, your mark doesn’t matter”.
“After high school, many remain stuck waiting until they receive that prized number. Once they leave school, students forget about their classmates [takes a pause] and their teachers, and their ATAR is never mentioned again”.
How often do you think about the Roman Empire your ATAR?
That’s right, you don’t.
*Names have been altered, obviously.
