Watching the NRL Grand Final in the Honi office, I thought to myself: can the NRL be left-wing? I know, I deserve to be in the sin bin, if not reported. Yet Honi has been lacklustre — if not worthy of the wooden spoon — with regard to our sports coverage, and I am going to rectify that.
Besides those playing on the left-wing of the field, can the NRL be left-wing? Here are six (again) propositions on how to do just that:
- Abolish RSL Clubs – As someone who grew up in RSL Clubs, I’m aware this is controversial. But then again, I don’t think this audience is necessarily reading Honi. I don’t know about you, but the only troops I support are the toy soldiers in Toy Story. Besides, RSL Clubs are less about commemorating the soldiers and more about beers, chicken parmigianas, pokies, SportsBet, doodling on Bingo papers, free water jugs, and raffle prizes.
- Revive the T3 train line and rename it “Canterbury-Bankstown” – Introducing the Metro is like introducing the Dolphins: look, it’s something new, but wasn’t really necessary. The next time I pass by Belmore Oval, I want to be able to see it and not zoom past it.
- Merge the West Tigers & Michael West Media – The Concord Centre of Excellence as headquarters for Michael West would be so good. The West Tigers love a man called Michael. Let’s just hope that Mitch Moses doesn’t get blamed again for any changes at the West Tigers: remember, the sea had to be parted, and who knows, the Prodigal son may return someday!
- Defund Fox Sports – Taking a leaf out of Reform USyd’s handbook, I want to defund the media. Who needs a pay-to-watch service anyways? I personally don’t want to listen to Braith Anasta’s voice ever again, and I only hear him when I’m at an RSL Club (see dot point 1).
- Free game tickets for all & decriminalise pokies – If Russell Crowe can save the Rabbitohs, I think Gladiator should fund the game so us mere mortals can actually attend matches again. While he is at it, bring back Macklemore to headline next year’s Grand Final, or perhaps invite Kesha, because that would be based af. Oh, did I forget to talk about decriminalising pokies? I just thought it would sound cool.
- Defeat the salary CAPs – Like the Campus Access Policy, salary caps are here to stay. The National Tertiary Education Union (NTEU) and Rugby League Players Association (RLPA) have joined forces to take down those who seek to curb freedom of speech and free trade. Thy will be done, on the field, as it is on Twitter.
A special mention goes out the relics of NRL past, the lore-makers, the Winston Churchill medallists: ‘Where you from’s’ very own Beau Ryan, the ever-so dilapidated Leichhardt Oval, the Gold Coast Titans (you may not be everyone’s favourite but you could never hurt a fly), Cam Smith the player, Cam Smith the referee, Sky News’ Erin Molen, and Brad Fittler’s coaching career (I say this with love, Freddy).
Sure, the NRL Footy Show existed (1994-2018) and that is bound to swing us to the right. If we exclude the Steggles chicken sponsoring the Sydney Roosters, and the Friday Night Footy Feast at KFC, no animals were harmed in the selection of team names. As for women in sport who need affirmative action when you have the NRLW.
While I want the NRL to be left-wing, this does not mean that I want the AFL to be right-wing. AFL apologists must leave me alone! As for the bloke who turned up to the NRL grand final in a South Sydney jersey: take the loss, board the light rail and go home!
Finally, I would like to say this expecting open hearts, minds and mouth guards: I love rugby league. And it is the NRL, not the NUS (pink ballot), for good reason.
No persons, organisations or entities were intended to be offended by this comedy piece. I am a die-hard NRL fan: up the mighty Panthers!
