Radio Monash has issued a warning to all Melbourne denizens making the journey to the sunnier city, and I think it only fair to forewarn our own citizens of the snares awaiting them once they depart a blissfully brief plane flight only to be greeted with a 45-minute bus ride to the city centre.
With a central planning system that rivals Adelaide’s (take that as you will), Melbourne is a city of laneways, street art, great food and art snobs. If you’d like to visit a café where you can spend over $20 on a slice of cake, you won’t have to look hard to find one.
Melbourne has invented the ‘café complex’: that is, it takes its coffee so seriously that the enjoyment of a decent cuppa is more about the psychological experience than the taste. If one hasn’t queued up for forty minutes at Lune for an eye-wateringly expensive croissant, have you really been to Melbourne?.
For those carefree Sydneysiders who joyfully jaywalk around the city, beware that Melburnians take it to a new level: rather than walking across the road, they elect to stand in the middle of it for minutes at a time waiting for their trams. Has it occurred to anyone to install proper platforms? We suspect not.
A rude surprise for visitors will be the public transport system, which, unlike Sydney’s, does not even pretend to run on time. The state government might make trips free in the CBD — but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security. It’ll still take you an hour to cross from one end of the city centre to the other.
In their furious attempts to prove themselves better than us — which they spend a significant amount of time doing — Melburnians often preemptively mention climate and beaches, a sticking point of the two cities’ comparisons. We all know that Sydney’s weather is better, and you don’t need to shiver on the banks of the Yarra in 17°C to prove it. Don’t bother bringing your togs; nobody can make swimming at St Kilda look pleasant.
However, Melbourne is rightfully lauded for its arts & culture scene. It self-promotes as if it’s the only Australian city to produce decent art, which is flagrantly incorrect, but some of its best exports (other than overpriced coffee) include television gems such as Fisk. Kitty Flanagan is a joy to behold — she was born in Manly, but we’ll overlook that.
Finally, avoid talking about football, or going anywhere near the Melbourne Cricket Ground when there’s a game on. In fact, don’t go out at all when there’s a game on! Everyone will either be at the game, at the pub, or on their way to the game/pub. At the sound of the word “AFL,” a local will instantly prick their ears up and ask what team you barrack for. Always say Collingwood.
