“Treat people how you want to be treated. You never know what they might be going through”, my Mum told me at five-years-old.
Apparently, this is a common phrase for parents to tell their developing children to teach them to behave nicely. As an adult, I have realised that if this was the case, then most people these days are masochists. There was a time when people would help strangers with directions, and give up their seat for pregnant women, and help each other lift things when struggling. Helping others was an instinct, not just a flourishing act that allows you to preach how “nice” you are.
The “unwavering” culture of kindness has become a fallacy. We’ve seen it everywhere. From Youtubers giving to the homeless whilst notably having it all to simply noticing the people around us in public, there has been a shift from being kind to each other to “keeping our peace”.
I started noticing this, particularly, after the COVID-19 pandemic. Throughout the lockdowns, everyone was forced to combat many mental and emotional barriers. Instead of these times of hardship creating spaces to mourn and be kind to each other, it became an elongated trend to “take care of yourself”. While self care is important, we saw a rapid decline in the use of self care and an increase in selfishness. There’s a very thin line that sits between your own peace and a lack of empathy for others.
The line between the two is not as confusing as it may seem. By definition, ‘Self care’ is the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health. ‘Selfishness’ is the quality or state of being selfish; lack of consideration of other people. Though many believe that these two are inherently intertwined (and while, yes, they are not entirely mutually exclusive), there is a very distinct separation.
Empathy.
Concern for others has been declining since the late-70s, with a study on American students finding that empathy had declined by 48% between 1979 and 2009. It has declined so much so that these statistics have often been used as a form of evidence to show an “empathy gap” in our social environment.
A more specific study into the impact of the pandemic found that between October 2019 and February 2020, various parts of empathy were affected at different levels. General empathetic social skills were badly affected, while the emotional empathy and the ability to look at different perspectives was more broadly understood and impacted positively.
A lack of social skills has been a topic that has been discussed relatively consistently amongst academics. With this epidemic of lack of social skills, there has been a notable change in the way people interact with people around them, whether they know them or not. The use of ‘therapy language’ has increasingly made its way to the language we use in everyday life.
Sayings like:
- “You don’t owe anyone anything”
- “Protecting my peace”
- “I’m at full capacity”
- “I’m setting my boundaries”
- “You’re trauma-dumping”
- “This is too much emotional labour”
In a lot of cases, these things – in principle – are very valid feelings to have. However, the line gets crossed when it is used to cover up an act of selfishness. There have been countless moments in my life where people have used this type of language as a means to excuse nasty and selfish behaviour. I was glad to find when talking to the people around me that I was not the only one experiencing this new-found environment of a lack of accountability.
The reality of it is that you do owe people kindness, just as you expect it from them. You owe your friends trust, honesty, and respect. If you see someone on the street struggling, I urge you to help them (within reason, of course). If you’re able to, stand up to give a child a seat on the train.
And, for goodness sake, stop ruining the peace of others to protect your own.
