The time for mercy has passed. Too long have we tolerated these everyday criminals walking freely among us, making our commutes unbearable and our blood pressures soar. I propose a new legal framework where justice is served colder than the revenge you fantasize about while stuck behind someone walking at the pace of continental drift.
As your newly appointed Attorney General of Public Decency, I hereby establish the following legal code, effective immediately. These laws are non-negotiable, and appeals will be met with additional charges of “wasting the court’s time”.
The Criminal Code of Public Indecency
Personal Space Crimes
Those who stand unnecessarily close in elevators when there’s plenty of room: Ppermanent addition to a public offender registry.
Your name, photo, and address will be posted at every elevator bank in the country. Stop being a weirdo. The rest of us shouldn’t have to smell what you had for lunch while ascending to the 12th floor.
Culinary Infractions
People who modify every item on the menu beyond recognition: Ssubstantial financial restitution to victims, specifically the poor worker who has to deal with your absurd requests.
“I’ll have the Caesar salad, but without romaine, chicken, croutons, cheese, and dressing” is not a Caesar salad. It’s an existential crisis on a plate.
Biological Warfare
Not covering mouth/nose when sneezing or talking uncomfortably close to someone’s face: Six months house arrest with electronic monitoring.
You clearly shouldn’t be allowed outside if you insist on sharing your germs with unwilling participants. Your freedom to spray ends where my immune system begins.
Academic Atrocities
People who ask questions that could be answered by reading through the Canvas materials: Mandatory psychiatric evaluation and treatment, followed by solitary confinement for six months.
Perhaps you can learn how to read with all that time alone. The information was right there. In the syllabus. In bold, underlined, and highlighted.
Educational Disruptions
Those who pack up noisily five minutes before class ends while the lecturer is still talking: Public execution by firing squad.
Your impatience is as loud as your zipping backpack and as disrespectful as your complete disregard for everyone trying to absorb those final crucial points.
Academic Debate War Crimes
Students who “just want to play devil’s advocate” in every lecture and tutorial: Capital punishment by electric chair.
If you want to be the devil’s advocate so badly, I’ll speed up the process for you. I paid thousands of dollars in tuition to hear someone with a PhD teach, not to listen to your half-baked opinions from the three readings you skimmed before class. Your contrarian performance adds nothing but minutes to a lecture that could have ended early. The professor’s pained expression as you raise your hand for the fourth time this hour says everything we’re all thinking.
Public Transportation Terrorism
People who save seats on crowded buses with their bags: Forfeiture of all personal property and asset seizure and liquidation. If your handbag needs its own seat that badly, perhaps you should buy it a car.
This legal framework shall be implemented without delay. Justice will be swift, merciless, and completely disproportionate to the crime. The punishment may not fit the crime, but my patience has worn thinner than the excuses of those who leave dishes “to soak” indefinitely.
As we move forward into this brave new world of extreme accountability for minor irritations, remember: your temporary inconvenience due to someone else’s thoughtlessness is absolutely grounds for the harshest penalty our legal system can conjure. After all, if we don’t take these insignificant daily annoyances seriously, what kind of society are we building?
A civilised one? Not on my watch.
