Whether you’re spun in the heat of the moment with your monogamous lover, conveniently kindling a “one metre away” Grindr hook-up, or the flames of your across-the-lecture-room crush have finally boiled over from flickered eye contact and “I just want to jump on that point and agree” classroom seductions, occasionally students on campus have a thirst that can only be quenched by a quickie in a gender-neutral bathroom.
But how boring a bathroom can be! Here, Honi gives you some advice for navigating the campus when you’ve got a foggy horned-up head and starry eyes. Just remember: don’t get caught, unless the person who catches you wants to join…
The Fire Stairs in Fisher Library
You’d think to use a bathroom stall, or sneak into a quiet aisle on the archival bottom floor. Perhaps even hire out a quiet study room and hope your combined body heat is enough to steam up the glass from the eyes of prying librarians.
However, you’ll quickly learn that not only are Fisher Library bathrooms holding a portal to an unearthly dimension that smells like rotten cabbage and 1800’s sewerage, but the stairwells have a certain echoey ambience that both enhances the thrill of your secret affair and alerts you to footsteps several floors away.
University Oval no. 2 Grandstand
Those tough plastic blue seats are surprisingly quiet when you’re pouncing back and forth on them in the middle row. You’d think to hide away in the far corners, but no, your best visibility (and the most invigorating rush) will come from spelunking with your lover in plain view of the unused sporting fields. You won’t need to watch a game: there will be plenty of ball handling on your end.
Put your heads on each other’s shoulders and keep an eye out for the wings, but always remember to pay special attention to the behind too, in every way. Surrounded by gym (and therefore shower) facilities, you can be sure that you (and/or your lover) will be grand-standing to attention in no time, all cleaned up before your next cross campus seminar.
The Carillon Room in the Quadrangle
On campus since 1928, the carillon is considered to be the largest instrument in the world. Our carillon, housed in a secluded room on the top floor of the Quadrangle, has fifty-four bells that sound over the open plains of Eastern Avenue.
Those bells could toll across the grassy fields of the Quad as you and your lover spread out over the wooden handles and play each other’s instruments like greasy-handed fourteen-year-olds learning the clarinet. It’s not an organ, but you can certainly feel each other’s organs on the antique carpet.
If you’re looking to go at a teasingly slow pace, try and play the Star Wars theme using only your butts: any nerds in the immediate vicinity will simultaneously wet themselves from pleasure when they hear it. You won’t need to turn on the sprinklers that night, all the lawns will already be soaked.
The Queerspace
A “friend” “told” “me” that “they” “once” had “sex” in “there” and that the “door” is “lockable”.
Beyond the eons of stories about sultry love affairs and genderqueer makeouts, there is no greater fear than when your hand slips between the couch cushions while everyone is discussing their favourite Tumblr ships from 2014, and the slight moisture makes you reckon with the life choices that led you to this damp, dark, graffitied room filled with eager-eyed baby gays.
On City Road Footbridge
Have your goodies jiggle over City Road while your body is pressed against socialist propaganda covered glass. Fling your arms out like Rose on the Titanic and make eye contact with the “428” bus driver. You will never feel as uninhibited as when that flippant Sydney breeze strikes your nether regions, and the driver’s life will be altered in ways indescribable to mere mortals.
He will never drive that route again without thinking of the freedom and bliss in the eyes of the pounded-out academic getting their glizzy on eight metres over a main road.
The Honi Soit Office
Apologies in advance to my fellow editors.
