Comedy //

Does Mark Scott fuck?

“He barely looked at me,” Regina recalled.

We know several things that newly appointed USYD Vice-Chancellor Mark Scott doesn’t do: he doesn’t have a background in academia, he doesn’t want to stop the corporatisation of the Uni, and he doesn’t have any way to stop his receding hairline. But there is one question on the minds of all Sydney students that has yet to be answered: Does Mark Scott Fuck?

“It’s highly unlikely,” researchers at Sydney Uni biolabs told this eager reporter. “His spine is probably too shrivelled up following his stint as ABC Managing Director. He would have little to no confidence in the bedroom.”

In an interview, Mr Scott’s ex-partner, Regina Townsend, confirmed these claims.

“He barely looked at me.” Regina recalled, reminiscing on her 70s summer romance with him.

Despite these testimonials, Honi Soit was determined to find the truth, and after intense sessions of sifting through garbage and attempting to get a one on one interview with the VC, this reporter finally got a chance to spend a night alone with Mr Scott.

To resolve any lingering questions: Mark Scott does, indeed, fuck. And he fucks hard.

We shall spare readers the details, but we can reveal that he was both a lover and a fighter, sensual but rough when needed to be, which will hopefully reflect his decision making as the new VC. I must say I am dangling in suspense over what he has for USYD, just as I was dangling from his ceiling in his leather sex swing harness. All the best to our new sex God!

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