who would i be without you

i’m in love with at least three people at all times

this is how i know

as someone identifying on the aroace spectrum

i’m a hopeless romantic through and through

i approach every new friendship like a sapphic on a first date

tell me everything about you

i whisper internally, loudly

give me everything you’ve got,

i’ll take what i can get

i want to hear your story and be a part of it

—   without you without them

we sit waiting for our friend to get off work, our laughter bouncing off the walls

we joke about our issues as if we’ve been friends for years

three hours feel like nothing with her

i feel safe when we hug and we laugh at my shivering

from my anxiety or the weather i’m unsure

being in her presence feels like unmasking

i can talk to her about anything and everything

the exactness with which we relate to each other surprises us both

i don’t think i expected to have so much love for her

i laugh into their chests when they both pull me into a group hug

i am not yet comfortable with physical touch but

when they let me go i crave being unable to breathe in the tightness of their embrace

i kiss them both on the cheek goodbye and on the way home i spend all my energy committing every moment to memory

i love my boys.

it feels good to be known so well

i can’t hide from you like i hide from myself

i remember who i am when i’m with you

—   true blue

after a night out with my friends, telling them about my tantrum stories

i recount the conversation in an audio to one of my closest friends and she makes a reference to my most embarrassing one i had not revealed

i spit my water out in a coughing fit

she sends a fifteen second audio of just her laughing

and remembers such a silly piece of my history and i think

what the fuck

you know too much about me

my laughter is strained from a mixture of shock and a feeling of

wholeness

i’ll give everything i’ve got,

please take what i can give

i want you to hear my story and be a part of it

who would i be without you

—   without you without them

i’m so Lucy-coded i want to cry

“my life is defined by my friends”

i have never related more to an artist; i hate it

i tell my friends over facetime 

“you’ve changed me fundamentally as a person”

i am who i am because of you

love is real

life is worth living

my cheeks are wet and their faces leave the frame for a second before they tell me

to shut up

i am thankful for the distance as we share glances across a screen

unable to control our tears and laughter

when my mother speaks of concerns of me finding love in life

i stifle my desire to scream —

i’ve found love!

it is an overflowing stream my heart can’t contain

philia is the word for platonic affectionate love in Greek philosophy

it is insufficient

it pains me to know i will never be able to fully articulate what love feels like 

i never thought you’d happen to me

i never thought you’d happen to me

–   leonard cohen

platonic love is all i’ve ever wanted from my existence

to be able to have and to hold,

to share this love

with even one person

crazy.

what a privilege.

i feel crazy in ways i never say

will you still love me if it turns out i’m insane?

–   we’re in love

i often think about being too much in my friendships

should this intimacy be reserved for non-platonic relationships?

No.

i intentionally commit to my friends the way i presume partners do

no romantic entanglement can ever compare

if you rewrite your life,

may i still play a part?

in the next one,

will you find me?

–   we’re in love

i sometimes sit in my closet to feel.

the green hedgehog blanket you gave me when you last visited keeps me warm

in here i sit on the forest green quilt you gifted me and thought i would never use

i don’t feel so alone in this space

or in my feelings

you are here with me

please stay.

i hope we always change in ways that fit into each other’s lives